Our Take on the Royal British Wedding

On a wonderful April day, we laze on the couch and switch on the Tv and... BANG!! BOOM!!

We're hit by drooling men and women, Marching bands that put a full-volume Lamb of God song to shame, a blindingly outrageous bridal gown whose cost would almost equal the national income of Zimbabwe, and numerous hot-blooded programmes on even the affairs of the groom's mother, a certain Ms. Diana.

The media frenzy in Britain suddenly shows the much criticized, monstrous Indian media as dignified angels. The men with the cameras are shown to be running behind the bride-to-be Kate Middleton like a pack of rabid Alsatians faced with a tasty bone.

                        Photographer of the London Times



Just the fact that the bride-groom happens to have descended from the queen of an almost dysfunstional monarchy, has resulted in the tax-payers money being thrown about like grain for the birds. Million dollar worth royal airforce aircraft was used as some kind of remote controlled toy for the viewing pleasure of the married couple. There was even a one hour heavily contested prime-time debate on BBC Entertainment as to what the bride would wear for the wedding! The world just gets more puzzling by the day! If this is the situation when the Third in line crown prince marries, its shocking to think of what would happen if the Queen was to get married once again! That should be the end of the British economy.

Stands to reason some of this hero-worship must pass onto India from the nation we once used to call the British Raj.

This kind of thing is somewhat comparable to the frenzy generated when the Indians won the world cup. Even substitutes who barely crossed the boundary rope were given apartments that normal people have to work lifetimes for. Just a matter of time before Dhoni has enough money to buy India.

And the guest to the all-important Royal Wedding? None other than one of the greatest minds in the world, the symbol of enlightened mankind! David Beckham! That's like holding a Nobel prize presentation ceremony and inviting Sreesanth to give away the prize. Not to mention, Beckham's wife, an ex-spice girl, who looks to have all the vocal capabilities of a bronchitis-affected crow.



It has been said widely that the newly married couple would set off a wildfire of advertising and marketing campaigns. A few readily come to mind :-



The aftermath of the Royal wedding would be quite hilarious. It has been said that the honeymoon is a gloriously solitary time where a couple rediscovers love and togetherness. Hah, good luck with that on this one!

The Royal honeymoon

Wonder what frenzy there would been in India if Manmohan Singh's kid decided to marry. Yeah, that should be a good one. How dumb can a nation get?

Our take on the Internet revolution

There once was a time, a long time back, when the keyboard was something you tried to play Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony on and a mouse was something you killed on sight.

All this until a certain Mr. Babbage decided to turn the world on its head and introduce the computer. Back in those days, computers used to be bigger than small countries. The first useful computer running on an Intel chip, about the size of Sri Lanka, had 1 MB of memory (A present mp3 song takes up about 4 MB).

Now, all that’s changed, with the advent of the PC-internet revolution starting from the late 1980’s.  Today, everything from Toblerones to Torpedos, is available on E-bay. The age-old war tactic of the Trojan horse has morphed into the tiny, undetectable Trojan virus. 5 year olds are now discussing the relative pros and cons of the latest episode of ‘Dexter’s Laboratory’ on Orkut.

Today, any combination of letters from the English alphabet, typed into Google will yield more than a million results, from ways to curl a football free kick into the top corner of the goal to Barrack Obama’s preferred chicken dish. (google/obama+chicken+dish has 4150000 results)

Indian weddings are as elaborate as some nuclear reactor processes. Upto now, the bridegroom had to generally be an IIT-IIM passout with a couple of Nobel Prizes and an income greater than that of Warren Buffet if he was to make the prospective in-laws suitably pleased. Now add to that, the criteria of having more than 500 friends on Face Book.

 Men of steel turn to emotional wrecks in their attempts to arrive at the socially acceptable figure of 500 friends, going to such lengths as to send requests to utter strangers, they have never met, and will possibly never meet in their lives. (Check out a previous post in this blog on Face Book)

Sometimes, though, touch can be regained with long-lost family through social networks, like Face Book.



The internet has brought about so many new avenues of information as well. Now there are apps to find out the exact length of your small intestine, the number of wrinkles on your face when you will be 75 years of age and so on!! AMAZING RIGHT?    

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Professional videos, hidden camera videos, home-made videos and all other forms of moving media available have been posted on YouTube to such an extent that any further post has a 60% chance of breaking a copyright law. Only a video on YouTube can bring something as nightmarishly ghastly as the popular hit single ‘Silsila’ into the public eye. (Viewers who watch this video are advised to keep emergency first aid at hand)

Modern college and school assignments follow an exceedingly simple base rule- Questions by teachers, answers by Wikipedia. Linguistically gifted students might take the extreme pains of rearranging the Wikipedia content to make it look remotely individualistic. Now that this divine invention, Wikipedia, is available as an app on the mobile phone, examinations are answered by Wiki too.

Today it is a paradox that if the Internet was taken away for a month, the big daddies, the USA, Europe and the rest would sink like a fishing boat in an East Asian tsunami, while the neglected economies of Africa and South America would still be afloat. Internet activity has brought about the Middle East revolution, has acted as a support system in the Indian anti-corruption movement and much else. (Another factor altogether that ‘Poonam Pandey’ scored more internet hits than the mid-east revolution and anti-corruption combined).

The Internet says Poonam Pandey is of more importance than Anna and the Egyptians

One of the internet advancements we can expect to see in the near future in nammade Kerala:-



Strange indeed that the lives of the most developed species on the earth is governed by a bunch of wires, a couple of nonsenical sounding URL's and a sackful of 8-character passwords. Tsk.

Our take on Cricket, the Batsman's game...

Statutory warning: Do try to think about what is written here, rather than just read and forget. This is important.

Greetings to one and all who have shown enough panache to take some time and read this article about the gentleman's game, which as of lately is not exactly very gentlemanly , so screw the language.. so yeah. I would like to introduce myself as The Batsman and i'm here to tell you some very interesting facts that make me the superior being in the game.

Cricket is one of the most popular sports in the world, being played in over 12 countries(out of 212 in the world). Media opined that when India won the world cup, it was because of the 1.2 billion prayers. I'd like to point out that 1.19 billion of the population in this god-forsaken country prays for daily food and not for some rich, spoiled brats with wood and leather. Funny how the God was apparently busy for the past 28 years. The media is awesome!!

I recently was very hurt by KD's(also known as haryana hurricane) comment that "Batsman is the officer and bowler is the chaparasi(peon)". *sniff* I'm writing this article to defend the stance of the batsmen(pun intended) and the great game which has made us all billionaires.

When the game of cricket was born, my ancestors got a boon from the GOD(no, not SRT. He wasnt born then) for some unknown reason, that we will rule the game. Who are we to blaspheme. My idea here, is to just state some simple facts and pose some questions.

1. What is wrong with a batsman being allowed to bat for the whole innings(of 20 and 50 overs) while the bowler is allowed only a stipulated number of 4 and 10 overs per innings in T20 n ODIs respectively? I mean, we are doing extra work. Appreciate that. We are batsmen and SRT is one of us. With all due respect, Screw the bowlers.

2. How can you blame the umpire for calling a wide for a ball that goes 2.5mm away from the leg stump. So what if we are allowed to move longitudinally, laterally, diagonally and even rotate where we stand, it cannot be justified that the bowler bowls at the place where we cant hit it.

3. Even though the batsman can bat 3-4metres outside the crease and jump out like an African primate, at will, it would be blasphemy if the bowlers heel is not touching the crease. How angelic.

4. The free hit can be justified by all means. Who the hell gave the bowlers the power to imitate the almighty batsman by stepping out of the crease. We take away your only prized possession, our wicket, for one ball. You deserve due punishment.

5. We need all the protection that we have. The others dont. It really isnt a concern to anyone, if a ball @ 275 kmph from our bat may smash open the bowler's heads, maim fielders and kill umpires.


6. The batsmen are allowed switch hit, reverse sweeps and other heavy artilleries including helicopters( made famous by MSD) and gunships, which doesnt mean that the bowler can innovate and bowl more than one bouncers per over or try to attempt bodyline. I mean, come on. We are humans too.

7.The likes of Brian Lara look amazingly gracious when they do a little bharatanatyam(traditional classical dance form) before smashing every ball out of the park, but it caused the Great Global recession when muralidaran's bowling arm had an angular twist exceeding the prescribed 5 degrees by approx. 2.35 degrees. OH GOD IN HEAVEN. BLASPHEMY!!!

8. The field restrictions are completely justified. I mean, if there are fielders everywhere from the word go, how are we supposed to score runs eh. Explain that first.


Now, i'd like to bring forth some suggestions that will work in favour of a brighter future for the game.

1. Yorkers should be called illegal and followed by a free hit, the reason being lucid. WE cant hit yorkers and tend to get out.

2. The bowling speeds should be limited to 120kmph and those deliveries above this speed should be deemed as no-balls(free hit optional)

3. Lasith Malinga should be banned from international cricket. We dont like him very much.

4. Try including Dale Steyn, Shaun Tait, Morkel and the others in the above category.

5. The bowlers should have one hand tied behind their back while taking the run up.

6. The bowler should inform the batsman via. the umpire about the variations(like slower ones, bouncers, in swingers, reverse swings, googlies, doosra etc) which he is planning to incorporate in his next delivery. Am I supposed to guess what you are going to do? That is so not fair.

I hope the stalwarts at ICC are listening. This, right here, is what you need to revolutionise the game. And Mr.KD, i suppose i've cleared all your doubts. Never question the batsman, you lowly bowler. hmph!!

Our Take on Terrorism

Our take on Terrorism

Terrorism has been a reality for millions of years. From a couple of hyenas employing the concept to take out hundreds of deer to hundreds of Naxalites employing the same concept to take out a couple of policemen, the world has come a long way. Terrorism is often used when one side is at a disadvantage compared to its enemy. When America had Fighter bombers, submarines, drones, the Ironman and a lot of similar stuff, all the bin Laden people had were funny names. So with the odds against him, what did that Father of modern terrorism Osama do? Turned an iconic American skyscraper into stuff you’d use in a recipe to make pickle. Shows you that outside of the movies, stuff like fighter jets and the Ironman don’t really work.

India has had its fair share of terrorism. Ajmal Kasab probably meant to blow up the Taj Mahal and asked a guy from Kerala for directions. “Oh Taj? Go straaaaaaight”. Hearing this, the idiot went straight and bombed the wrong Taj, some hotel in Mumbai, it turned out to be.

The LTTE has caused Sri Lanka vast problems. Sri Lanka responded with a large hairy monster of their own. Lasith Malinga. This crazy man avenged the losses of his countrymen by aiming hard cricket balls at the head, feet and everything in between of every person who had the misfortune to set eyes on him, until of course he was beaten to a pulp in the IPL by a certain McCullum.

After their amazing exploits with explosives, the members of Al-Qaeda have been awarded a lucrative deal by Warner Brothers to star in their action movies and Osama has been made the next Jason Bourne for managing to evade arrest so exquisitely.

Warner Brother's Latest

In India, the discoverer of terrorism is believed to be Veerappan. There are rumours that sandalwood was smuggled within that moustache of his. Similar to Robin Hood, he stole from the rich and gave to the poor. But completely differing from Robin Hood, he was pumped in the chest a couple of hundred times and died squealing piteously for his mommy in rural Tamil Nadu.

                          Army Nutcases    against    Veerappan's Maniacs     



The Mao-ists are another group of crack terrorists in India. I’m sure you know what mao in ‘LMAO’ stand for. If Lalit ‘Moronic’ Modi had still been in power, it’s a pretty sure thing he’d have pulled up the Assam Maoists, Orissa Naxals, Tamil Tigers and all and formed a tournament with huge prize-money and cheerleaders and stuff. Wonder if Ms.Jayalalitha could weave any of her old magic as a cheerleader? Cute names the militant groups have though.

Guerilla warfare is a tactic employed by terrorists and has been derived from, well, guerillas. You figure the rest out yourself. Afghanistan employs guerilla warfare. Using the element of surprise, they kill a couple of American soldiers. In return, the Americans, using no element of surprise whatsoever, bomb the guts out of Kabul and reduce the Afghan population to numbers you can count on your hands. Way to go, guerilla warfare.

The Taliban is extremely influenced by the teachings of becrazed religious fanatics and the action sequences of Die-Hard. America’s technique of terrorism is to create and export weapons that decapitate the enemy’s ears. Weapons are given weird names like A-kon, Jay-Z etc. A while back, Jay-Z tried to sing the title song of ‘Titanic’. That’s when the Titanic crashed.



Our take on Capt.Jack Sparrow...

Capt. Jack Sparrow is the name of a character made famous by not-so-famous Hollywood actor Johnny Depp, whose other films are fortunately or unfortunately not much heard of. This drunk sailor has given a ray of hope to all the damned drunkards that even their lives can be cheerful; that even they can make it to hollywood and burn down ships. After the release of the Pirates of the Carribean trilogy, the liqour sales in the world have gone up by about 50 times creating waves in the beverage distribution scenario.

The opportunistic Kerala government has pounced upon the country's decision to have brand ambassadors for different states; and have approached Mr.Jack Sparrow(nobody really knows who johnny depp is), who has wholeheartedly agreed to it if given his monthly quota of rum, as promised. Mr.Jack sparrow in his interview given to a local news channel has called for one Mr. Ayyappa baiju, to run for elections this time around. Also Mr.Sparrow advocated the rights of the drunkard community in the state and chided the government for quelling their request for reservation in public and private sectors. How can they show such distaste to the state's main source of income, the mercurial drunkard wonders.

Sources close to the government says that the aforesaid is not the only reason why this persona grata was chosen to represent the state. According to this source, Capt.Sparrow is a role model for the youth of the state who are known to fiercely denigrate the effects of bathing, brushing and other common acts of maintaining hygiene. Capt.Jack sparrow, as legend has it, has managed to survive on an island for 5 months with just a bottle of rum, which he very obviously didnt use to wash his armpits.

Mr.Sparrows appointment as the state's brand ambassador was supposed to be the state's traditional "vishu kaineettam" for its loyal drunkards, but the news somehow leaked and has resulted tumultuous jubilation by the crowds that gathered for rave parties on the every street of the state, causing major disturbance for a group of NASA scientists researching on the crater-like depressions on these roads for alien life.

We can expect fresh rounds of violence and strikes by the so-called rights activists and traditional saviours of cultural opulence of the state headed by Sukumar Azhikode. Wishing Mr.Sparrow a very fruitful tenure as our brand ambassador.

Our Take on Batman

What do you get when you mix a troubled childhood, funny masks, nylon pajamas and weirdly hilarious dialogues? Yes, you get the Batman! Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that problems of immense magnitude occur all over the world but Batman does his job only in a small town called Gotham. That’s like Sachin having the ability to thrash the Aussie bowlers around but being made to bat against the Assam Ranji team.

The Batman’s sworn enemy goes by the name of the Joker. When you tend to like the villain more than the hero, you know something has gone wrong somewhere. The Joker goes around bombing hospitals, killing gangsters by shoving pens up their noses, and burning half a man and turning him into another weirdo called Half-Face or something. Kinda like Osama Bin Laden with a sense of humour.

Batman owns an amazing array of vehicles. Noting that “The Dark Knight” released in the middle of the American recession when people did not have adequate food and shelter, this guy owns a couple of Lamborghinis, a Ducati and a black wheelbarrow-like contraption labeled the Bat mobile. In one of the scenes in the Dark Knight, Batman drives around town in his Bat mobile and crashes into a blank wall, like a drunk idiot. He then proceeds to burst out of the car in a bike and goes around town once again. Fuel prices anyone? Anyway, why didn’t the guy just use the bike in the first place?

The entire cast of ‘The Dark Knight’ watched the movie the day after the world-wide release. Heath Ledger laughed so hard, he busted a vein and died.

The Batman has a female enemy. Her name is..wait for it..Catwoman. I mean how amazing is that? Throw in Spiderman and you have a whole zoo waiting for you!

Two-face is another charismatic character in this laughathon. The guy tosses a coin to take decisions and uses a coin with ‘heads’ on both sides. Some tough decision, that is. The actor portraying the character of the Head of Police in the Dark Knight also acts as Sirius Black in the Harry Potter series. Looks like all the nutcase films are interconnected. Note that the lead guy of Twilight also has a part in the Harry Potter series. Rumours are that the Joker became the crazy demented guy that he is after watching all 3 movies of Twilight back-to-back. S.Sreesanth was once a pious Church-Priest before he watched Twilight.

The Batman is being remade in Bollywood with Salman Khan in the lead role, removing his shirt whilst dancing to an item number.

Yup. Be amazed at the stupidity of mankind.

Our take on UPA...

According to the taxonomical and biological life research experts, a new family of primates has been discovered in the country. Aptly named as Unculturis Primatus Allianzitus a.k.a UPA, this particular variety is seen in and around the parliament and has an affinity to khadi(Gandhi supporters, it seems). These animals are often mistaken for humans as they walk on their hinds and even tend to speak in something that seems to be anthropomorphic.

The aforementioned species is in news, as of lately, when some specific members of the family was accused of stealing Crushed and Washed Groundnuts(commonly known as CWG), worth several crores, from the govt. godowns, which was meant for the poor and down-trodden politicians of the country. By a special process, known as Dumass Minion Kross-over, between the southern yellow spectacled macaque and the UPA has resulted in a hybrid variety which proved to b 2G.ood for its shoes. This hybridisation rendered the govt.treasury poorer by another 1.76 lakh crores. The UPA are a violent species specialising in gorrilla warfare which can easily be seen on public portals showing a lok sabha session.

The UPA is said to have bred from an Italian imported variety which, later announced itself as a native of the country..(huh, dream on!!). This species on mating with the existing Indian variety resulted in a new generation of monkeys with an unfounded liking for t-shirts and three-fourths unlike the traditional khadi.  There has been an evolution from this Italian variety to a new version with special features of highly developed brain inside a cute sky-blue head and is characterised by the absence of a notochord or backbone. Going by Charles Darwin's theory of survival of the fittest, the UPA is facing stiff competition from other species which evidently possess lower mental abilities but boasts of higher physical resources like the Ballus Jangoed Politiciacus and Leftorius Demographic Frontis. But the UPA has survived till now because of its relatively sharper intellect.

The staple food of these animals is same as that of humans and as an addition they also feast upon petroleum products. Experts are blaming these monkeys for the inflation in the country as they consume all the items that were meant for the common man or AAM AADMI(pun intended), thus resulting in dearth of the goods culminating in an overall fall in supply, hence fuelling price-rise. Also, they are the principle vectors of the dreaded pathogen HIV(Honesty Impairing Virus). Recently, a scientist Anna Hazare, along with his group, had successfully discovered a vaccine for the same called the Jan Lokpal Bill, which is in the pipe right now, awaiting mass production(yeah.. like that's gonna happen!!) 

According to vox populi, this species must be exterminated and all available dna records must be quashed so that the future generations dont suffer any of the problems that the present  generation . For the greater good of the country, let us all join forces and make them appear on the UN's list of endangered species..

Our take on goverment colleges

The only known groups of primitive tribals that still inhabit the earth are the Red Indians of America, the aborigines of Australia,  the tribes of Africa, and the students of goverment colleges. Students of goverment colleges, when faced with attack by the enemy (usually someone like the stiff old college administration), still use techniques like painting faces, shouting out warcries and generally carrying out all activities expected from a fully grown baboon.

There have been reports of problems within goverment colleges. Here is an example :-
Cause of the problem- No electricity in one of the classrooms.
Action taken against the problem- Nationwide strike, Bloodied fistfights, political discussions and repurcussions in the ruling party, murder of a couple of students and setting vengeful flame to one of the college buildings.
Wonder what would happen when a real problem comes up.

If only Goverment Colleges had been more common during our struggle for independence. The British would have picked up their rifles and run for for their lives long before 1947.

During one particular clash between factions within a government college, one angry young man threw a fresh coconut at his enemy with extreme fury. The enemy banged that coconut into a field, far away using a block of wood. That was how cricket was invented.

According to the Laws of Government Colleges,
1. Anyone who speaks out against the party in power will be struck on the backside 5 times with a broom and will subsequently be run over by a roadroller.
2. Anyone who forms an oppositon party, will have his entire family run over by said roadroller.
3. Roadrollers used for above purposes will be paid for by the government, failing which a nation-wide strike will be called.
4. Once every 3 weeks, with or without cause, a nation-wide strike will be called.

Following the tsunami in Japan, a strike was called by a Goverment College, to ban all tsunamis. Human trafficking, slave trade, farmer suicides etc have all been laid aside, owing to the high priority of the tsunami ban.

Examinations in Goverment Colleges are always held on schedule. Ofcourse, an error of plus or minus 25 years is allowed.

Our take on Heavy metal music

Heavy Metal Music

In the early 1960's some guy, who'd forgotten to cut his hair for the past 20 years, decided to bang a couple of corroded saucepans together, at the same time recording the screams of a drowning cat, thus resulting in present day heavy metal.

The funny thing is that the obvious answer to the question, "Hey what kinda music you like man?" in India presently is "Oh yeah! heavy metal! lets raaaack!" and stuff. An extension of the Indian "join the bandwagon" syndrome. The guy who said that might be hiding Justin Bieber CD's under his coat. Now thats a drowning baby cat, that one.

There's something similar about these metal guys and our Hindu sages. Both of these categories have not understood the concept of a 'bath' for one thing.

Here are some extremely enlightening lyrics from Black Sabbath:-
"AHHHHHHH, we're disturbing the priest, won't you please come to our feast?
AAHHHHHH, Do we mind disturbing the priest, not at all, not in the least
Disturbing the priest.
Yeah, yeah, Disturbing the Priest.
AHHHHHHHHH."

Amazing. Shakespearian indeed.

And have you seen these guys, with tattoos and earrings, with cigars dangling from their mouths? Members of the American Mafia? Drug addicts? Cold blooded killers? Nope, most probably the lead guitarists of some metal band.

Somewhere, in the 1980's, "Hard Stuff" played their first live concert. This caused the Berlin Wall to creak and finally break.

In India, the founder of Metal music was believed to have been Bal Thackerey. Until it was found that those shades of his were actually for some other purpose. (Karunanidhi was once bass drummer for "Guns and Roses")

Metal Music is famous in Denmark. Who cares.

Our take on Slumdog Millionaire..

Last year, India made a huge leap in world of cinema when a film made in India, about India, won the oscar, nascars, bafta, kofta and many more for the Best Film. Canny Boyle, as the name suggests, was working in a Danish boiler industry before he was catapulted to fame overnight for directing this film. The film was 'slumdog millionaire', in which the slums and dogs were from India and the millionaire part came from Britain.

Anil Kapoor's jubilation when the film won makes you wonder whether he was actually a part of the movie(he was?? oh, sorry!!). The male lead is now leading a peaceful life in some unknown location in the Easter Islands. The apparently hot female lead has made inroads into the film industry by actually being tagged as the second most searched female personality on google after Justin Beiber. In Kerala people mistook the 'pint' in her name for something more familiar hence causing the unforseen popularity. She right now is an assiduous international artiste busy with highly artistic C-grade films in southern Tunisia.

The child artistes in the movie from specially hand-picked by Mr.Boyle from the bustling slums of the country. Mr.Boyle quoted, "its not hard finding slums in the country. All you need to do is follow your instinct and you sense of smell." These children were given special care so that people could actually stand beside them without resorting to usage of anti-chloroform drugs. They were also given special training in language as they earlier used sign language. There children were an instant hit in the whole country and were seen as a beacon of hope for all the homeless and hapless children of the country. There was so much hope that the govt.actually had to deport these kids to Zimbabwe to switch off the beacon and save electricity.

A certain A.R.Wahman had also won the award for best music of this movie, which he was later penalised when Bappi Lahiri(better known as 'jin pong huia' or father of sumo wrestling) accused him of plagiarism from his earlier hits. A malayali hogged the limelight for making noise, Resul Pookkutty. He died a peaceful death trying to record the noise made by a lawn mower.

We, the people of India, were ecstatic after the movies success. They probably thought that it was an Indian movie. We forgot that if the movie was Indian, it would have won The Best Foreign Film award, and not The Best Film award. So basically the US made a fool of us, AGAIN. Why dont you go take out your frustration on Julian rather than on the fastest growing economy in the world(No, am serious!!).

As a parting shot, i'd like to add that we should'nt encourage such movies that show the true nature of the country and break the bubble for all those foreign idiots who come to see the splendour of the country. Such movies should be burned in Ram Gopal Verma ki AAG(yes, such is the intensity of my hatred for slumdog millionaire). We should strive to promote indigenous works of art like those of Rakhi Sawant and Raja Choudhary.

Our take on Modern Language

Modern language

Globalisation and MTV has brought about the most extreme changes in Indian society, starting with the utter mangling of the spoken language.

It’s like every sentence has to start with “Hey man..” or “Yo, bro….” Or “Yeah dude, party’s here!” and that kinda thing. And this usually spouts out from a spectacled guy with the holy thing on his forehead, talking to a spectacled guy with braces on his teeth, on his way to flute lessons.

I mean, come on. 

All this probably stems from that Indian urge to show that we havn’t been left behind. Its shown itself in every parent falling at the feet of the Engineering course (refer previous article), its shown itself in every Indian on the face of the planet from the Ambanis to the guy who feeds the orangutans at the local zoo, claiming to be a Sachin fan (“Oh my god, Bleed blue for Sachin !! Oh by the way, What’s for dinner?”), and now its shown itself in this gross remix of the spoken language.

The sporting world is an apt example of the use of the Modern language. Roger Federer goes,"Well, Rafa did a commendable job. His returning game and stamina were highlights. Well done." And Rafa responds with,"Yez, Raager vaz goot. He vaz goot. Nize!"

Ashish Nehra's English is worse than his fielding. Yusuf Pathan's English sounds like Oriya with a weird accent.

Here are some amazing bits of linguistic wisdom from George W Bush :-

"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech."
—President George W. Bush, to Pope Benedict, Washington, D.C., April 15, 2008

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking of new ways to harm our country, and neither do we."
—President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

Who made this guy president anyway?

The next generation of MTV exposed terrorists would be great to see on trial.

“In the name of justice, explain how you committed so acerbic a crime against all of humanity!”

“Yeah well the bomb thingy thing had this rad sound thingy when it went off. Kinda like ACDC’s heavy metal thingys……..”

People wouldn’t mind a couple of bombs if they could hear that sorta thing on the evening news.

Part of this has come from the opening of Indian markets to foreign influences,bringing with it the hip-hop culture. Yesudas is an excellent singer. But he'd suck if he decided to change his name to Yesu-D and proceeded to sing a Pussycat Dolls song. The same concept applies here.

The use of English has been convoluted so much by Indians that there is a special language known as Indian English! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_English.

The packaging and advertising today is enough to drive anyone up the wall. ‘No idea? Get idea.’ Get a psychiatrist! Why did the zoozoos turn out to be a great success? BECAUSE THEIR ADS ARE SILENT! Take a hint.

Our take on South Indian movies

South Indian movies

The single greatest application of human imagination has to be the South Indian film industry. From one man armies who dance like they had a personal grievance against Micheal Jackson, to semi clad actresses who run around tall trees, South Indian movies has it all.

And so, a simple matter of a guy hitting another guy would start with  a booming sound, followed by slow motion zoom-ins that show every strand of the hero’s  moustache, after which a long dialogue would commence about the relative pros and cons of the punch he is about to deliver, after which along with the beats of a drum, the hero begins to fly towards the villain. This is the cue for everyone in the theatre to jump up and act like they were witnessing the work of God himself. (True though that Ganpati gets 2 coconuts per day, whereas Mohanlal gets 4.)

Exaggerations are the name of the game in South Indian movies. You wouldn’t be surprised to see a guy pulling out a pistol, rotating it flamboyantly on his finger a couple of times, flick it behind his back, catch it with his left toe, from where he angles it to the corner of his shoulder bone and goes on to make complete use of his given body. Back in the 16^th centuries Chola warriors supposedly did this kinda thing against sworn enemies like the Marathas. It induced such a magnitude of continuous laughter amongst the enemy that the Marathas ultimately suffered a cardiac arrest and died on the battlefield thus losing the 3^rd war of Madurai or whatever.

Arguments between the rabid and hysterical fans of contemporary South Indian actors are only matched by the arguments between rabid and hysterical South Indian politicians. All India have to do to win the territorial war against Pakistan is to paste Mamooty posters on the Pakistan Army and let the Mohanlal’s fans club loose. Or vice versa. We’d end up getting Kashmir, and Lahore and Islamabad as well.

Or we could just let Rajnikanth loose. We might even end up getting parts of Scandinavian Norway.

Another technique is commonly in use. High voltage alternating current is made to pass through the human body, causing violent and outrageous bodily movements. These movements are then shown to actor Vijay who brings them out on screen as dance steps. Issac Newton derived gravity from fallen fruit. Apparently, actor Vijay is not fruit.

Our take on Wiki-leaks

Wikileaks

There is nothing secret in today's world. If Manmohan Singh, one fine morning decides to lift a couple of Kitkats from a downtown store in Delhi, chances are, it'l appear in the next edition of the Wikileaks. Everyone from the top echelons of the business world to the naxal militants waxing their pistols, would be debating on the actual motivation behind the couple of Kitkats, whether it was a support for American capitalism, whether it was support for the anti-diabetes movement, whether it was a veiled threat, that he would break Pakistan into two just like you're supposed to break the kitkat in the ad  (That
movement of first splitting the foil, then breaking the kitkat in half and all is supposedly an amazing marketing gimmick, but in reality is nothing more than the actions of a moron who does not have much of a life).

The hype and hooplah surrounding stuff like the Wiki-leaks is typical of today's sensationalist world. Refer a previous article on this blog on the phenomenon of Rajnikanthization.

The director of Wiki-leaks is one Julian Assange (the guy who looks like he should have been in the Twilight series). He is an Australian who publishes American documents on the war on Iraq, having taken help from Chinese dissidents, and is being extradited to Sweden whilst conversing with Indian media.

Seriously, what are the foreign visa rules now?

Suprisingly, Osama Bin Laden is a Saudi Arabian, who takes help from Saudi Arabian dissidents to work for Saudi Arabian principles.
See that's the way you keep things simple.

Problem:- America's growing hold in today's world

Assange's solution- "Spend years hacking into pentagon files, pay trillions of dollars for the best software minds in the world, publish the docs on a public forum, flee from the threats that follow and speak eloquently on the dangers of blind trust."
Osama's solution- World Trade Centre. Boom.

Assange right now- In a cave, afraid for his life.
Osama right now- In a cave, afraid for his life.
America right now- Eating a double cheeseburger.

It seems Wiki-leaks leaked the Indian Budget online on March 5th 2011. Too bad the Indian government already announced the  Budget on February 28th.

 

Our take on Facebook..

You might have heard of my dad, Mr.Mark S.uckerberg and the bunch of ladies rumoured to be my mums; the likes of the Twinklevoss twins(names altered for the sake of the alliteration) and someone whose name rhymes with Requirdo Ramouring. Dad fornicated my mum/s without their consent and VOILA!!! I was born. Who am I? I am the self-proclaimed saviour of the world from the wrath (ok, i tend to exaggerate) of Okrut. I still dont understand how that thing got popular. Okrut isnt even a proper word. But not me. I am not just a social network. I have an identity of my own. I am a proper word, when you read parts of me, one at a time. A face for you to recognise. I even have a god damn book. Though it didnt make sense, the previous line was included just for the sake of introducing my ground-shattering name which sends millions of bodies around the world undergo a sudden rush of orgasmic high. Yes, I AM THE FACEBOOK!!! (the 'THE' looks out of place. Chuck it.) FACEBOOK!!!

Some of you retards may think 'So whats the big deal with this thing'. Ok. first of all, am not just a thing. I'm a constantly growing living.. well, THING. I thrive on human prosperity. The more you have, the more i get. Dont get me wrong. I'm here to save you from all the tiring chores of a day like employing yourself to earn your daily bread, studying someting so that you dont end up like Bill Gates(I mean College drop out. You would be dumb to think of seeing yourself as a multimillion dollar entreprenuer while your ass wears off  sitting in front of me playing citysville.)and the rest of you from al these useless things that you keep doing. Instead I give you millions of apps, games and quizzes to make better use of your time. I mean,why would you rather not answer intellectually challenging questions like 'how hairy is your left toe' and toil hard on a virtual field making virtual cows give virtual milk and use virtual bacteria and yeast to make virtual cheese out of it, selling it in the market and gaining virtual profit.

There is a reason why dad is the man of the year. He used me to squeeze out all your personal informations and give it to private corporations and allow it to be used for their wild designs. He made you use me like a condom i.e you have this sense of security while you are actually getting screwed. Dad says that he doesnt need money and is going to donate all of it to charity. How benevolent of him to return your money to you which he made by fornicating a hoard of people and in the process earn the tag of a philanthropist. That would suffice as an explaination to why my dad was chosen as the man of the year over Mr. augustian assange who blatanly publishes stolen matter. Suits you right, you theif. hmph.

I'd like to make another confession. The reason why I did not use my influence to win the oscar for best film was not because the movie completely sucked. No, that is why it didnt win. The reason why i didnt use my influence is because oscar isnt important to me. Anyone can win an oscar(even dogs from slums can buy one), but to what matters is how much my fan following and brand value is depending upon the international currency transfer rates..

I'm here to stay and I'll continue with what I'm doing until all of you are dead. Thanks for your support.

Our take on Corruption

The Anti corruption laws in our country at the moment is something like the Indian Football Team. Instituted for a good purpose but in reality, a little more than non-existent. The tale about the UPA guy who had to bribe a guy who was blackmailing him for extorting from the drug-dealer, who cooked the books of his business, so that his trafficking activities were hidden from the tax-evading policeman who smuggled arms for the UPA guy. Yeah tale's true.

From the days of British rule in India, corruption and bribery have been amazingly common, often used a tool to strike discord amongst Indians themselves. No matter that Dalhousie's Divide and Rule sounds like a computer game or a steak diner or something. Once independence was achieved after Rajnikanth travelled back in time,donned the garb of an old man, replaced rascala with satyagraha, and called himself Mahatma, India became a democracy of thought but a monarchy of acute corruption.

India can also be regarded as a giant film set where Rajnikanth shoots his movies, but that apart.

There are about a dozen IIMs, 8 gazillion engineering colleges and Whateveraiyya Law Colleges in the place, it took a little known guy from a little known place, Anna Hazare, to stand up and say "Dear Manmohan Singhji, Hope you are well. Please stop all this corruption and all ji. Thankyou." That supposedly was the letter sent to the PM.

All the selfless people in this nation who have nothing but India's interests in their heart, (before Anna Hazare came, it was probably in their intestine or something), joined hands to rid the nation of this grievous
cancer that has been troubling India for a long time. That was how Himesh Reshmaiyya died. Now to corruption. The new version of Jan Lokpal is said to be the answer to all our corruption problems. Which might be like saying that Krosine is the answer to the survivors of the Nazi holocaust.

But it is definitely a start, no questioning that.

Anna Hazare, when questioned about Jan Lokpal remarked that the new version was a boon to a long suffering nation

Mallika Sherawat, when questioned about Jan Lokpal remarked that she loved the shirt Mr. Jan wore last tuesday.

Yep that's India.

  

Our take on Rajnikanthization

Rajnikanthization is the term used to exaggerate something to such an extent that acute depression and/or suicidal tendencies are induced in the listener. The hysteria that follows this sort of exaggeration is similar to that of a pack of chimpanzees faced with half a ton of ripe bananas.

The term stems from a South Indian actor named Rajnikanth (Wow what a coincidence! :O). This amazing man can supposedly outrace a bullet, outhink Einstein, kill a rabid gorrilla with nothing more than a cigarette and a packet of Parle-G, stand still while the earth rotates, make the earth stand still and get something else from some other galaxy to rotate. You name it, Rajnikanth renames it.

Rajnikanthization is extremely common in today's world.

There once was this 'academician' who described a scene of a man selling a bag of potatoes to a buyer as "The evil looking capitalist of a vegetable seller, who had obviously absorbed the overpricing tendencies of 18th century colonial Europe resorted to armtwisting of this middle class man who..blah" Why don't you effing shut up and stop rajinikanthizing the whole thing? All the guy did was sell a potato. Get a life.

George Bush, before invading Iraq, had mentioned about the dire need for humanity to oust terror all over the world to make a better world for future generations. Bush rajnikanthised the upcoming war so much that people actually believed that Saddam walked around with a coupla bombs up his socks. Now all that's left of Iraq are Saddam's socks. Rumours are that the left sock's being tortured in Guanatamo right now.

There's this guy called Tintumon, it seems in India, who possesses ground peanuts instead of brains and goes around doing the most dumass stuff practically possible. The li'l guy's also responsible for half the development of the telecomm sector, since liberalization happened in 1991. The guy's been rajnikanthised so much that he's probably the most famous Malayalee on the planet. And get this, he does not exist.

There is this particular college, where Rajnikanthization is a religion. There is this group of
guys who call themselves the NH. You might whisper to the guy next to you 'Dude, the NH sucks you know that. They'r like Sreesanth on a wet pitch." Immediatly, according to legend, some guy will overhear you, there'll be sniper rifles trained on you from the top of coconut trees, a couple of guys with firmly adherent beards, will look at you as if World War 2, the apocalypse and Bappi Lahiri were your fault and you'll see guys flown over from Lebanon to personally assasinate you. The NH is so damn Rajnikanthized.

Wonder if Rajnikanth, with his ability to read blogs in his head as they'r being written, is seeing any of this.

Our take on being abstract..

What is being abstract? To put it simply, being abstract means being abstruse and complicated embracing the deep yet philosophical and cognizant percipience of the human psyche. For instance, you can draw a circle and call it anything ranging from your wife's wedding ring to your neighbour's hooters. Simple enough, I suppose. The whole world thrives on this particular line of thought. know why, because its easy. You dont have to stick by one thing or perception. You can keep on changing the way you see things, bringing on a paradigm shift. For instance, you can perceive your neighbour's wife as your wife.(*author not responsible for consequences)

You should ask students if you want to know the importance of being abstract in your life. They would know. Have you seen their answer sheets? They live by the rule "if you cant beat 'em, confuse 'em". The damn answers are a work of sheer creativity; everytime you read it different meanings materialise. THAT, my friends is abstract. This particular thing about the whole concept can be imbibed by you to make your life more.. happening, so to say.

Artistes now-a-days create modern art, and call it abstract paintings. There seems to be surplus supply of painting resources which call for such atrocities on the human mind. But still they manage to sell that shit, because they can make you think that THAT blot on the canvas is not spilled poster colour, but your own being swerving its way through the never-ending galores of life. Sounds impressive doesnt it. If it doesnt, You are sane. Thank god and try something abstract like supporting your weight by your neck on the shower line.

For all those planners and schemers, you are gonna die anyway. What's the big idea.Life is all about transience. Live in the moment. If things go according to what you want, well and good; if they don't, well.. then you're shit out of luck. ADIEUS

Our take on IPL..

The IPL, an acronym for Indian Premier League,the brainchild of BCCI, is an outstanding addition to the Indian crown of glory(which, by the way, is up for auction). There was this small-scale economist with intelligence and shrewdness par excellence. His name was Lalit Modi. He, as of now, is competing with one Mr.M.K.Gandhi( the guy on the currency), for the title of "The Father Of The Nation". WHY, you may ask. Well, the reason is palpably lucid. Mr. Lalit Modi has succeeded in bringing together the various facets of the illustrious Indian culture under one big, huge roof viz. The IPL. It boasts of Bollywood, Masala, Corruption, Money with different hues, skimpily dressed ladies(wolf-whistle) and a bit of Cricket.

The BCCI, Mr.Modi's caretaker, has enough funds to buy USA's rights "to attack other countries when you are bored". What do you do with all this money? Simple. You pay cricketers from all around the world to come to India, play cricket and go back. You might need a strategic time-out here to read between the lines here. Anyway, so the IPL is now a phenomenon. Its everywhere, raking moolah. You create 10 teams and hold them up for auction. People with money in their pocket and brains in their butt(no offense SRK) buy these and the players and VOILA!!! IPL is born. And then you name the teams, which makes perfect sense by the way, the names. For instance there's Kolkata knightriders(unlike what tradition suggests,these guys ride knights). The other teams, unfortunately, ride on them. Another fact that makes it even more Indian is that IPL is racially discriminative. They dont let Pakistan in. So what if they bombed our cultural capital, killed several, captured our territories up north, ensued communal violence across the country, took beloved sania mirza away and the likes. Let bygones be bygones. The IPL committee should let the terrorists play. After all, its the last wish of ajmal kasab, the one who helped refashion the lesser known TAJ.

Now, we see Mr.Modi is plotting in some underground bunker, because he is a wanted criminal in the country now. More notorious than Rakhi Sawant. In India that's what you get for bringing in a change. Look what Rajiv Gandhi got(in case you are wondering,he got his ass blown off. Literally. Funny how everything with a Gandhi name attached to it tends to get mutilated in the country.) Coming back to the discussion, all Modi did was devise a platform for corruption-free corruption. In our country, the situation is so bad that we need to bribe people to accept bribes. But instead of seeing the 2mm thick silver lining all these so-called citizens and law-makers saw was the big, huge gray cloud of corruption that will ruin the country's future. who gives a shit about the country anyway. They say that IPL also gives the indigenous players an opportunity to learn tips and tricks of the trade. Who are you trying to fool. The damn country just won the goddamn world cup. you think we need more?
Well, we do need more. There are certain sports that require kicking a bigger ball that has hexagons and pentagons and as of lately other abstract art on it. Oh, its popularly called soccer(pronounced sock-er). The country has also marveled at its glory and has contributed by providing some legends like.. uh.. well.. ahem. For obvious reasons, I think we should stick to cricket. Cricket has gained so much popularity in the country that its treated almost as a religion called sachinism which is further divided into various castes on the basis of the traditional system of occupation. The IPL is to sachinism what onam is to south western nagaland. So, rounding up, we can say that IPL is a festival celebrating the true nature of the country imbibing all of its essence in its most horribly grotesque manner.
Like a true Indian, I will support IPL because it helps to gnaw into the country's innards carving out more space for the brimming population. Another reason to support IPL is that we know that we dont need it. We love getting things that we dont need, just for the satisfaction it gives us to know that someone who needs it wont have it. So, join in the movement to make the IPL grow. No matter what happens around us, we should support IPL, and not some old ex-army men dieting their way to death.

PS- Mr.Modi, ever heard of hockey?

Our take on the Indian Cricket Team

The cricket team of the great nation of India is managed by the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI), an organistaion that uses its monthly pocket money to bail the USA out of the recession, buy newly independant African countries and fund Lasith Malinga's hairdo.

The cricket team is ably led by Mahendra Singh Dhoni, the man with the Midas touch, who has won the T20 championship, aced the South African series, single handedly won the World Cup, shot down fanatical extremists to win World War 3 and broke the keyboard in his effort to complete the manager mode of FIFA 11.

Vice Captain is the position held by the 'Nawab of Najafgarh' (there's a world cup instituted to say the previous phrase 10 times without a mistake), Virender Sehwag! Heinous and vicious crimes against humanity are punished by said criminal being made to bowl to this man. In mid-2009, Micheal Jackson attempted a doosra from over the wicket....rest in peace.

The greatest player that Indian cricket has ever seen goes by the name of Sachin Tendulkar. This man is said to weild even more power than the entire UDF-DMK ruling coalition within India and is rumoured to have taken out his anger and shock at being actually dismissed in a match by causing a tsunami which accidentally hit a country named Japan or something. Having scored 15678 centuries, won 30987 matches and scored 3.5 trillion runs,the research department of the Indian School of Mathematics are employing complex analysis and Fibonacci retracements to develop further records for this man to achieve. A hidden camera clip of a training session has shown this dangerous man hitting an S. Sreesanth inswinger from Kurla to Kandhahar, blindfolded.

Gautham Gambhir came into the Indian cricket team after ex-captain Sourav Ganguly was chucked out for not knowing which end of the cricket bat to hit with. Gambhir made an immediate impact, allowing countless young bowlers to take a wicket they would have never taken in the normal course. Improved by leaps and bounds and has become an important member of the team. Ganguly on the other hand is presently employed in the South Indian film industry, where he continues to take off his shirt whilst shaking his hips to Jassie Gift's ahem melodies.

Harbhajan Singh, the off-spinner par excellece has been plying his trade in the Indian team for over a decade now. Organises an annual tea-party for his close associates from the Australian cricket team and has named his second son Symonds owing to his close friendship with the cricketer of the same name. Believed to have weapons of mass destruction hidden under his turban, in 2009 George Bush had vowed to attack him the next time he became president. Last heard, Mr.Bush was being force-fed Chicken Makhanwala under solitary confinement in a dungeon in rural Jalandhar.

The mainstay in India's middle order is Yuvraj Singh. Leased out to Palestine in 2006 for the war on Israel. Bombs made out of volatile nitrate compunds were embedded in cricket balls which were then bowled to him by Stuart Broad. 34 cities in Israel fell victim to the ensuing destruction.

The fastest bowler India has ever produced is Shanthakumar Sreeshanth (regarded as the second toughest words to pronounce after 'Nawab of Najafgarh'). Possessing a highly aerodynamic action, fluid run-up and tremendous seam position, the ball leaves his fingers at 150 km/hr and returns over his head into the stands at 275 km/hr. An accomplished dancer, playback singer, specialist in diplomatic speaking and a possessor of a thoroughly pleasing personality, he is the idol of a billion Indians. Widely regarded as a gifted player, though, it cannot be a good thing to have Mohammed Ali's attitude and Charlie Chaplin's physique.

The last but not the least prominent person in the Indian cricketing scene is Lalit Modi. The joint holder for the Nobel Prize in Economics with eminent money men Ramalinga Raju and A.Raja, this man is the inventor of the cash machine known as the IPL, boasting of glitz, glamour, cheerleaders, Navjot Singh Sidhu,foreign flavours and when there is time after all this, a bit of cricket as well. Believed to have modelled his tenure as Ipl boss on the fascist regimes of the mid 19th century, it is rumoured that every man woman and child had to wear a tattoo of an ipl team on his/her left thigh without which, their subsidies would be cancelled, their homes would be burnt and the entire disgraced family would be exiled to a lonely island in the Phillipines.

Our take on the Engineering Course

In India, the engineering course is considered by all parents to possess powers beyond imagination and is worshipped as the process from which Shiva, Vishnu, Allah, Jesus and the rest of 'em came forth.

Every year the number of applicants for the IITJEE engineering course is a little more than the population of Africa, whereas the number of students that actually get in amounts to the population of Antarctica in a cold winter.

Course contents are unbelievably stimulating and range from the working of a turbine (OH GOD IN HEAVEN!!!) to the laying of tarred roads (this topic is rumoured to have induced a semi-comatose state in certain students, research ongoing). Believed to be a punishment for sins committed by humanity in past centuries, 4 years of the modern engineering course is awarded by the Supreme Court for extreme acts of terrorism, genocide and such. Ajmal Kasab, for his act of terrorism, was made to study engineering at IIT Chennai and has promised after 3 days of the course, to convert to Buddhism and join the Dalai Lama in the quest for eternal peace.

The course is also a huge military weapon. In the 20th century, the United States of America employed jet-propelled stealth bombers to wreak havoc and claim lives in Vietnam, and read aloud from Engineering textbooks to wreak havoc and claim lives in Iraq. Conspiracy theorists have claimed that the engineering course in India was started by China as a means to destabilize the economy. The status report of this Chinese project has been leaked on the internet and claims 'By 2025 an average Indian when asked to cut a piece of paper, would first draw a curvature-resistant line through the paper, extrapolate it to a hypothetically infinte margin, sharpen the scissors on malleable granite rock etc, by which time, China would have ruled the world for 250 years, Manmohan Singh would have celebrated his 703 birthday and Sachin Tendulkar would be scoring his duzillionth century.

George Bush is said to have graduated from the Engineering course. So has S.Sreesanth. Go figure.

One young graduated engineering student a few years back, who had just been placed in a telecom company, remarked, "The course has helped me on my way to building an honest living, taking care of the telecom sector and working for the greater good of the nation". That student's name- A.Raja

The recession hit world has seen the people do crazy stuff for money. There have been reports of purse snatchings in broad daylight, cold-blooded murders of bank employees, registering for postgraduate engineering courses etc, that has made people wonder what our world has come to. Recent history has seen the growth of a large number of engineering colleges in the country. In a multilateral trade deal with powerful nations of the world, 250 more are going to be built from the charred remains of the World Trade Center using Carribean lion-tailed macaques, as professors and the Korean constitution as the syllabus. "Cantilever bending moments in parallelopiped frames of reference" is not far away from sounding like a load of Korean bullshit.

The use of the Engineering course dates a long way back in history. During the Second World War, they were known by a different name. 'Concentration Camps'. It seems Civil Engineering was started in Auschwitz by some dude called Hitler or something.

Present day engineering is inspired by the cult classic movie 'The Transformers'!!!    Ahem.