Our take on South Indian movies

South Indian movies

The single greatest application of human imagination has to be the South Indian film industry. From one man armies who dance like they had a personal grievance against Micheal Jackson, to semi clad actresses who run around tall trees, South Indian movies has it all.

And so, a simple matter of a guy hitting another guy would start with  a booming sound, followed by slow motion zoom-ins that show every strand of the hero’s  moustache, after which a long dialogue would commence about the relative pros and cons of the punch he is about to deliver, after which along with the beats of a drum, the hero begins to fly towards the villain. This is the cue for everyone in the theatre to jump up and act like they were witnessing the work of God himself. (True though that Ganpati gets 2 coconuts per day, whereas Mohanlal gets 4.)

Exaggerations are the name of the game in South Indian movies. You wouldn’t be surprised to see a guy pulling out a pistol, rotating it flamboyantly on his finger a couple of times, flick it behind his back, catch it with his left toe, from where he angles it to the corner of his shoulder bone and goes on to make complete use of his given body. Back in the 16^th centuries Chola warriors supposedly did this kinda thing against sworn enemies like the Marathas. It induced such a magnitude of continuous laughter amongst the enemy that the Marathas ultimately suffered a cardiac arrest and died on the battlefield thus losing the 3^rd war of Madurai or whatever.

Arguments between the rabid and hysterical fans of contemporary South Indian actors are only matched by the arguments between rabid and hysterical South Indian politicians. All India have to do to win the territorial war against Pakistan is to paste Mamooty posters on the Pakistan Army and let the Mohanlal’s fans club loose. Or vice versa. We’d end up getting Kashmir, and Lahore and Islamabad as well.

Or we could just let Rajnikanth loose. We might even end up getting parts of Scandinavian Norway.

Another technique is commonly in use. High voltage alternating current is made to pass through the human body, causing violent and outrageous bodily movements. These movements are then shown to actor Vijay who brings them out on screen as dance steps. Issac Newton derived gravity from fallen fruit. Apparently, actor Vijay is not fruit.

Our take on Wiki-leaks

Wikileaks

There is nothing secret in today's world. If Manmohan Singh, one fine morning decides to lift a couple of Kitkats from a downtown store in Delhi, chances are, it'l appear in the next edition of the Wikileaks. Everyone from the top echelons of the business world to the naxal militants waxing their pistols, would be debating on the actual motivation behind the couple of Kitkats, whether it was a support for American capitalism, whether it was support for the anti-diabetes movement, whether it was a veiled threat, that he would break Pakistan into two just like you're supposed to break the kitkat in the ad  (That
movement of first splitting the foil, then breaking the kitkat in half and all is supposedly an amazing marketing gimmick, but in reality is nothing more than the actions of a moron who does not have much of a life).

The hype and hooplah surrounding stuff like the Wiki-leaks is typical of today's sensationalist world. Refer a previous article on this blog on the phenomenon of Rajnikanthization.

The director of Wiki-leaks is one Julian Assange (the guy who looks like he should have been in the Twilight series). He is an Australian who publishes American documents on the war on Iraq, having taken help from Chinese dissidents, and is being extradited to Sweden whilst conversing with Indian media.

Seriously, what are the foreign visa rules now?

Suprisingly, Osama Bin Laden is a Saudi Arabian, who takes help from Saudi Arabian dissidents to work for Saudi Arabian principles.
See that's the way you keep things simple.

Problem:- America's growing hold in today's world

Assange's solution- "Spend years hacking into pentagon files, pay trillions of dollars for the best software minds in the world, publish the docs on a public forum, flee from the threats that follow and speak eloquently on the dangers of blind trust."
Osama's solution- World Trade Centre. Boom.

Assange right now- In a cave, afraid for his life.
Osama right now- In a cave, afraid for his life.
America right now- Eating a double cheeseburger.

It seems Wiki-leaks leaked the Indian Budget online on March 5th 2011. Too bad the Indian government already announced the  Budget on February 28th.

 

Our take on Facebook..

You might have heard of my dad, Mr.Mark S.uckerberg and the bunch of ladies rumoured to be my mums; the likes of the Twinklevoss twins(names altered for the sake of the alliteration) and someone whose name rhymes with Requirdo Ramouring. Dad fornicated my mum/s without their consent and VOILA!!! I was born. Who am I? I am the self-proclaimed saviour of the world from the wrath (ok, i tend to exaggerate) of Okrut. I still dont understand how that thing got popular. Okrut isnt even a proper word. But not me. I am not just a social network. I have an identity of my own. I am a proper word, when you read parts of me, one at a time. A face for you to recognise. I even have a god damn book. Though it didnt make sense, the previous line was included just for the sake of introducing my ground-shattering name which sends millions of bodies around the world undergo a sudden rush of orgasmic high. Yes, I AM THE FACEBOOK!!! (the 'THE' looks out of place. Chuck it.) FACEBOOK!!!

Some of you retards may think 'So whats the big deal with this thing'. Ok. first of all, am not just a thing. I'm a constantly growing living.. well, THING. I thrive on human prosperity. The more you have, the more i get. Dont get me wrong. I'm here to save you from all the tiring chores of a day like employing yourself to earn your daily bread, studying someting so that you dont end up like Bill Gates(I mean College drop out. You would be dumb to think of seeing yourself as a multimillion dollar entreprenuer while your ass wears off  sitting in front of me playing citysville.)and the rest of you from al these useless things that you keep doing. Instead I give you millions of apps, games and quizzes to make better use of your time. I mean,why would you rather not answer intellectually challenging questions like 'how hairy is your left toe' and toil hard on a virtual field making virtual cows give virtual milk and use virtual bacteria and yeast to make virtual cheese out of it, selling it in the market and gaining virtual profit.

There is a reason why dad is the man of the year. He used me to squeeze out all your personal informations and give it to private corporations and allow it to be used for their wild designs. He made you use me like a condom i.e you have this sense of security while you are actually getting screwed. Dad says that he doesnt need money and is going to donate all of it to charity. How benevolent of him to return your money to you which he made by fornicating a hoard of people and in the process earn the tag of a philanthropist. That would suffice as an explaination to why my dad was chosen as the man of the year over Mr. augustian assange who blatanly publishes stolen matter. Suits you right, you theif. hmph.

I'd like to make another confession. The reason why I did not use my influence to win the oscar for best film was not because the movie completely sucked. No, that is why it didnt win. The reason why i didnt use my influence is because oscar isnt important to me. Anyone can win an oscar(even dogs from slums can buy one), but to what matters is how much my fan following and brand value is depending upon the international currency transfer rates..

I'm here to stay and I'll continue with what I'm doing until all of you are dead. Thanks for your support.

Our take on Corruption

The Anti corruption laws in our country at the moment is something like the Indian Football Team. Instituted for a good purpose but in reality, a little more than non-existent. The tale about the UPA guy who had to bribe a guy who was blackmailing him for extorting from the drug-dealer, who cooked the books of his business, so that his trafficking activities were hidden from the tax-evading policeman who smuggled arms for the UPA guy. Yeah tale's true.

From the days of British rule in India, corruption and bribery have been amazingly common, often used a tool to strike discord amongst Indians themselves. No matter that Dalhousie's Divide and Rule sounds like a computer game or a steak diner or something. Once independence was achieved after Rajnikanth travelled back in time,donned the garb of an old man, replaced rascala with satyagraha, and called himself Mahatma, India became a democracy of thought but a monarchy of acute corruption.

India can also be regarded as a giant film set where Rajnikanth shoots his movies, but that apart.

There are about a dozen IIMs, 8 gazillion engineering colleges and Whateveraiyya Law Colleges in the place, it took a little known guy from a little known place, Anna Hazare, to stand up and say "Dear Manmohan Singhji, Hope you are well. Please stop all this corruption and all ji. Thankyou." That supposedly was the letter sent to the PM.

All the selfless people in this nation who have nothing but India's interests in their heart, (before Anna Hazare came, it was probably in their intestine or something), joined hands to rid the nation of this grievous
cancer that has been troubling India for a long time. That was how Himesh Reshmaiyya died. Now to corruption. The new version of Jan Lokpal is said to be the answer to all our corruption problems. Which might be like saying that Krosine is the answer to the survivors of the Nazi holocaust.

But it is definitely a start, no questioning that.

Anna Hazare, when questioned about Jan Lokpal remarked that the new version was a boon to a long suffering nation

Mallika Sherawat, when questioned about Jan Lokpal remarked that she loved the shirt Mr. Jan wore last tuesday.

Yep that's India.

  

Our take on Rajnikanthization

Rajnikanthization is the term used to exaggerate something to such an extent that acute depression and/or suicidal tendencies are induced in the listener. The hysteria that follows this sort of exaggeration is similar to that of a pack of chimpanzees faced with half a ton of ripe bananas.

The term stems from a South Indian actor named Rajnikanth (Wow what a coincidence! :O). This amazing man can supposedly outrace a bullet, outhink Einstein, kill a rabid gorrilla with nothing more than a cigarette and a packet of Parle-G, stand still while the earth rotates, make the earth stand still and get something else from some other galaxy to rotate. You name it, Rajnikanth renames it.

Rajnikanthization is extremely common in today's world.

There once was this 'academician' who described a scene of a man selling a bag of potatoes to a buyer as "The evil looking capitalist of a vegetable seller, who had obviously absorbed the overpricing tendencies of 18th century colonial Europe resorted to armtwisting of this middle class man who..blah" Why don't you effing shut up and stop rajinikanthizing the whole thing? All the guy did was sell a potato. Get a life.

George Bush, before invading Iraq, had mentioned about the dire need for humanity to oust terror all over the world to make a better world for future generations. Bush rajnikanthised the upcoming war so much that people actually believed that Saddam walked around with a coupla bombs up his socks. Now all that's left of Iraq are Saddam's socks. Rumours are that the left sock's being tortured in Guanatamo right now.

There's this guy called Tintumon, it seems in India, who possesses ground peanuts instead of brains and goes around doing the most dumass stuff practically possible. The li'l guy's also responsible for half the development of the telecomm sector, since liberalization happened in 1991. The guy's been rajnikanthised so much that he's probably the most famous Malayalee on the planet. And get this, he does not exist.

There is this particular college, where Rajnikanthization is a religion. There is this group of
guys who call themselves the NH. You might whisper to the guy next to you 'Dude, the NH sucks you know that. They'r like Sreesanth on a wet pitch." Immediatly, according to legend, some guy will overhear you, there'll be sniper rifles trained on you from the top of coconut trees, a couple of guys with firmly adherent beards, will look at you as if World War 2, the apocalypse and Bappi Lahiri were your fault and you'll see guys flown over from Lebanon to personally assasinate you. The NH is so damn Rajnikanthized.

Wonder if Rajnikanth, with his ability to read blogs in his head as they'r being written, is seeing any of this.

Our take on being abstract..

What is being abstract? To put it simply, being abstract means being abstruse and complicated embracing the deep yet philosophical and cognizant percipience of the human psyche. For instance, you can draw a circle and call it anything ranging from your wife's wedding ring to your neighbour's hooters. Simple enough, I suppose. The whole world thrives on this particular line of thought. know why, because its easy. You dont have to stick by one thing or perception. You can keep on changing the way you see things, bringing on a paradigm shift. For instance, you can perceive your neighbour's wife as your wife.(*author not responsible for consequences)

You should ask students if you want to know the importance of being abstract in your life. They would know. Have you seen their answer sheets? They live by the rule "if you cant beat 'em, confuse 'em". The damn answers are a work of sheer creativity; everytime you read it different meanings materialise. THAT, my friends is abstract. This particular thing about the whole concept can be imbibed by you to make your life more.. happening, so to say.

Artistes now-a-days create modern art, and call it abstract paintings. There seems to be surplus supply of painting resources which call for such atrocities on the human mind. But still they manage to sell that shit, because they can make you think that THAT blot on the canvas is not spilled poster colour, but your own being swerving its way through the never-ending galores of life. Sounds impressive doesnt it. If it doesnt, You are sane. Thank god and try something abstract like supporting your weight by your neck on the shower line.

For all those planners and schemers, you are gonna die anyway. What's the big idea.Life is all about transience. Live in the moment. If things go according to what you want, well and good; if they don't, well.. then you're shit out of luck. ADIEUS

Our take on IPL..

The IPL, an acronym for Indian Premier League,the brainchild of BCCI, is an outstanding addition to the Indian crown of glory(which, by the way, is up for auction). There was this small-scale economist with intelligence and shrewdness par excellence. His name was Lalit Modi. He, as of now, is competing with one Mr.M.K.Gandhi( the guy on the currency), for the title of "The Father Of The Nation". WHY, you may ask. Well, the reason is palpably lucid. Mr. Lalit Modi has succeeded in bringing together the various facets of the illustrious Indian culture under one big, huge roof viz. The IPL. It boasts of Bollywood, Masala, Corruption, Money with different hues, skimpily dressed ladies(wolf-whistle) and a bit of Cricket.

The BCCI, Mr.Modi's caretaker, has enough funds to buy USA's rights "to attack other countries when you are bored". What do you do with all this money? Simple. You pay cricketers from all around the world to come to India, play cricket and go back. You might need a strategic time-out here to read between the lines here. Anyway, so the IPL is now a phenomenon. Its everywhere, raking moolah. You create 10 teams and hold them up for auction. People with money in their pocket and brains in their butt(no offense SRK) buy these and the players and VOILA!!! IPL is born. And then you name the teams, which makes perfect sense by the way, the names. For instance there's Kolkata knightriders(unlike what tradition suggests,these guys ride knights). The other teams, unfortunately, ride on them. Another fact that makes it even more Indian is that IPL is racially discriminative. They dont let Pakistan in. So what if they bombed our cultural capital, killed several, captured our territories up north, ensued communal violence across the country, took beloved sania mirza away and the likes. Let bygones be bygones. The IPL committee should let the terrorists play. After all, its the last wish of ajmal kasab, the one who helped refashion the lesser known TAJ.

Now, we see Mr.Modi is plotting in some underground bunker, because he is a wanted criminal in the country now. More notorious than Rakhi Sawant. In India that's what you get for bringing in a change. Look what Rajiv Gandhi got(in case you are wondering,he got his ass blown off. Literally. Funny how everything with a Gandhi name attached to it tends to get mutilated in the country.) Coming back to the discussion, all Modi did was devise a platform for corruption-free corruption. In our country, the situation is so bad that we need to bribe people to accept bribes. But instead of seeing the 2mm thick silver lining all these so-called citizens and law-makers saw was the big, huge gray cloud of corruption that will ruin the country's future. who gives a shit about the country anyway. They say that IPL also gives the indigenous players an opportunity to learn tips and tricks of the trade. Who are you trying to fool. The damn country just won the goddamn world cup. you think we need more?
Well, we do need more. There are certain sports that require kicking a bigger ball that has hexagons and pentagons and as of lately other abstract art on it. Oh, its popularly called soccer(pronounced sock-er). The country has also marveled at its glory and has contributed by providing some legends like.. uh.. well.. ahem. For obvious reasons, I think we should stick to cricket. Cricket has gained so much popularity in the country that its treated almost as a religion called sachinism which is further divided into various castes on the basis of the traditional system of occupation. The IPL is to sachinism what onam is to south western nagaland. So, rounding up, we can say that IPL is a festival celebrating the true nature of the country imbibing all of its essence in its most horribly grotesque manner.
Like a true Indian, I will support IPL because it helps to gnaw into the country's innards carving out more space for the brimming population. Another reason to support IPL is that we know that we dont need it. We love getting things that we dont need, just for the satisfaction it gives us to know that someone who needs it wont have it. So, join in the movement to make the IPL grow. No matter what happens around us, we should support IPL, and not some old ex-army men dieting their way to death.

PS- Mr.Modi, ever heard of hockey?