Our Take on the Indian Grand Prix!

Annoying jabs at random people, pathetic attempts at humour ; yup, we’re back after a heck of a long time. It’s just that we could’nt resist it with the country falling under the spell of the whole Formula 1 craze.

Attendance at the Grand Prix was much greater than expected. Most probably ‘cos it was an excuse to not go to a theatre and watch RA-One. But with all the publicity that was out for that cinematic sack of donkey-crap, the chequered flag probably had black and white on one side and that now-dreaded picture of Shahrukh Khan Chamak-Chaloing away to glory on the other.

Ever heard of the man who let his personal airline go into debt so that he could enter a car-race? That, ladies and gentlemen, is Vijay Mallya, owner of Force India racing. Never heard of Force India? Figures. They were overtaken in lap 3 by Rajnikanth on a tri-cycle.

 The funniest part of all this were the usual sponsors queueing up to add their name to the latest sporting bonanza. The staid Indian Grand Prix soon became Bharti Airtel Formula 1. Imagine if India entered the global sporting market. You’d probably see the Dabur Chyawanprash English Premier League where all spectators get a tube of Odomos and a free Aircel simcard on entering the stadium.

Everyone’s favourite man, Sebastian Vettel ran off with the trophy once again and it was kind of amusing watching 81-year old Micheal Schumacher getting out of his wheelchair, waving goodbye to his great grandkids,coming over to India and battling it out with Narain Karthikeyan (Indian, proud of him) for 19^th place. Guess some people just do not know to get out when the going’s good.

 The greatest part of this with respect to India is ofcourse, that it was the first grand prix to be held here! Yes, the Buddh Circuit up in Greater Noida was the venue for all the thrilling action. Being India there were ofcourse dogs running across the track, autorickshaws overtaking Jenson Button at 315km/hr, Baba Ramdev hunger-striking ‘cos of all the noise. We even saw Schumacher pass Rs.200 and a sly smile to the race officials. Somethings never change.

But all-in-all the comments of the race officials about the race in general were highly encouraging. The main drawback according to them was the traffic blocks around the circuit which prevented the racers and audience from reaching the venue in the first place. Seems Lewis Hamilton had to change two buses, an auto and finally run 16 kilometres to reach the venue. Typical. 

 One of the memorable moments of the race was of course maestro Sachin Tendulkar waving the flag at the end.

 Sports in India? Yup funny story.

Our Take on Party-sponsored College Politics

It's like something out of a highly illogical Quentin Tarantino movie. Guy slogs for a couple of years, guy gets into famous engineering college, guy goes quietly for 2 years and then guy suddenly transforms. In his opinion, he becomes an inspired mundu-wearing action machine, fighting against the forces of evil with sharp knives and an even sharper tongue. But in actual fact he becomes a loud-mouthed, unshaven terminally insane maniac who goes around arguing with other similar terminally insane maniacs that appear to pop up all over the college. Yup, that's college politics for you.

Its actually pretty amusing standing aside and watching a college turn from dignified engineering institution to a potential shoot of Planet of the Apes. People running around with blades and sticks, pretending to be some weird cross-over ninja society and other guys with blood flowing out of every inch of themselves, looking up as if they'd just been martyred at Jallianwala Bagh or something. What nonsense.

Striking in an engineering college is nothing less than an art. Everyone involved in this intellectually stimulating exercise has a uniformity about them. The facial expression, one that's somewhere between that of an angry rhinoceros and that of someone in the last throes of chronic indigestion.

The clothing style- An adequately ketchup-stained shirt, the amazingly symbolic mundu (was used to strangle your opponent in the first engineering strikes), and a beat-down pair of chappals should ensure that you look like the perfect deranged young politician.

The wonderfully endearing slogans shouted out by a crazy nutcase with a voice like that of a steam engine with a shortage of coal, followed by the repetition of the same slogan by the mob of accumulated nutcases tagging along behind him. It seems like the slogans have a fixed template that goes 'Pullane Pullane _______ Pullane'. They just fill that dash for each strike.

When the stock of cheesy slogans runs out, its time to bring out the heavy artillery, fearsome weapons that will kill rather than harm...blunt compasses, tools from the mechanical lab, hockey sticks. Yup Osama would have been proud of this stash. Any future Al-Qaeda expansion plans will now know where to look for prospective candidates, ones with B-Tech degrees no less.  Protestors of a more primitive bent of mind may choose to pay homage to the stone age by hurling pebbles at each other. Sreesanth was probably the president of some political party, the way he's bowling..

A lot of protestors during college strikes, are hauled off to jail. But from a behavioral point of view, maybe a caged zoo would work? 'Cos when you think about it an engineering guy faced with an opposing party is not all that different from a hungry baboon faced with a sack of ripe bananas. Expect police officers to come next time with a couple of tranquilizer guns and stuff.

And what's with the names of the college political parties. Just random permutations of the English alphabet? Check this sentence out- The KSU and SFI met the DYFI and ABVP heads along with the AISF and AIYF who talked with the ABCDEFG. To use a cliché, what nonsense!

Our Take on Baba Ramdev

Recent times have also witnessed the onset of the greatest daring duo on the Indian canvas. That of Baba Ramdev and a certain Anna Hazare, combining to take down the villainous Government of India ( at least that’s what they think). What has actually happened is that a movement that had caught a lot of eyes for its novel message and Hazare’s leadership has been shamefully ground into the dirt by the designer Jaipuri chappals of Ramdev.



This man Baba ‘Badass’ Ramdev succeeded in capturing the nation’s attention by announcing his deep and passionate desire to fight against corruption in India and taking up a hunger strike to achieve that aim (he must have researched feasible causes for which to hunger strike against on Google). The idea of a yoga guy telling economists of the stature of Manmohan Singh how to manage money is about as weird as an anorexic model applying for liposuction. Ramdev says that if black money is brought back to India, poor people will get benefits! This, being said, by a guy who owns a private security paramilitary force, a couple of private airplanes and an island. They say yoga does wonders for you. Now we know what they meant.



Ever heard of the yoga master with political ambitions who went on a hunger strike against black money? Seems like something a stand-up comedian would say? Yup some things can be seen only in India, along with extravagantly moustached terrorists and fearsomely caveman-like cricket players.

Now, since the trend has been set, people can hunger strike to get whatever they want. Because yeah sure, if Gandhi did it why can’t I? Maybe Ramdev will take the next flight to some beach and make salt or buy it from Reliance Fresh or whatever. Crazy guy.

In the midst of the police raid on his loyal followers, what did the heroic, dashing James Bond of Indian yoga do? Attempted to run away draped in a salwar kameez. A cross-dressing revolutionary, no less. Again a first in India. Next time, he will obviously have to keep up to his high standards and so has signed a deal for a supply of Kancheevaram sarees when he takes out his next strike against global warming in 2013.

Ramdev in his detailed and exceedingly insane letter to the premier of India demanded that “ English should be replaced by Hindi in entirety within India “. The letter was obviously written in english by someone who actually knows how to write, definitely not our guy here.

When faced with the fact that his main assistant is an RSS head, his main disciple is in the inner circle of the RSS and the woman who escorted him to stage was a becrazed RSS activist, Ramdev was surprised when questioned if he had any affiliation to the RSS. Oh my god, wonder why anyone would think that.

The cost of the Police raid- 5 lakh rupees.

The cost of the Ramlila Fasting Ground- 1 crore rupees.

The tale of how a glorified fitness instructor held the world’s largest democracy to ransom and became an overnight celebrity- Priceless.

Our Take on Engineering Entrance Examinations

Cut back around 30 years to the 1980’s when a school-kid ran back from school, splashing a few puddles of water, gulped down a glass of tea, ran out into the sun and rain to enjoy a hard-fought game of cricket, got into a couple of fights on the way back, whistled at the opposite sex if you’re a guy, got whistled at if you’re a girl and thoroughly enjoyed being your age.

Now to the present day when kids in standard 6 have to rush back from school to their target-IIT courses (imagine 6^th standard children being seriously told the uses of sine-cosine integration)after which they’l have 2 hours of mind-numbingly boring physics tuition by a spectacled guy who thinks that he invented physics in the first place.

Then some idiot guy on a TV channel will encourage weekend classes at some institute to which all the kids would be sent to, on the assumption that all great engineers and inventors in the world like Isaac Newton and Thomas Edison became great by taking coaching at TIME or MATH-IIT. All of which is to presumably get an engineering degree (whether you’re suited to be an engineer or a cook or a jihadist terrorist, in India, first you have to take an engineering degree).

So after 6 years of experiencing twice the workload of an outspoken Jew in a Nazi camp, the kid finally sees Devil himself looming up before him- the Entrance Exam! Half the world’s rainforests are cut to provide enough paper for 10 lakh kids to pit their wits against each other.

 IIt entrance tests are changed up every year to prevent short –cuts from being discovered. One year there’s multiple choice. Next year they put true or false. The year after that, they brought a 10 option bonanza to choose the right answers and make things as complicated as possible. Soon they’ll add tasks to be done followed by a vote-out with a few bikes thrown around the exam hall.

A friend of this blog-writer has suggested that the Kerala state entrance has given added priority to high school marks presumably to even out the sex ratio in engineering courses. Soon like the badminton federation of India and FIFA’s new rules on woman players, engineering females will have mandatory skirts and all to make the whole thing more glamorous.

 And after 6 hours of soul-splitting torture, the exam comes to an end. Then it is but a short wait to the All India, followed by State exams followed by a thousand other sources of engineering nonsense.

 

Just when peace of mind looks to be around the corner, the results are anounced with all the impact of a coconut on a bald head. The joy of successful parents would suggest they were able to bring down Osama single-handedly and the despairing sorrow of parents who cudn't bring up Einsteins suggest the end of the world as we know it. 
Then it is time for parents to visit their relatives to show them their bespectacled knock-kneed skeleton of a son who huffed and puffed to get to that holy engineering seat. The relatives will then reluctantly congratulate the skeleton while explaining that their kid couldn’t get through because ‘the test had out-of-syllabus questions’, ‘it was raining that day and he got distracted’ or the most ironic of the lot ‘engineering isn’t worth all this hype’. Both sets of parents will exchange nervous laughs and then relapse to awkward silence.

Times when kids smaller than ripe watermelons are made to slave like burdened donkeys. Times when a game of cricket followed by a cold lime juice in summer is a luxury. There are some things more important than 10 percent GDP growth rates J

Our Take On the Latest Season of IPL.

The image of a fallen Sourav Ganguly, who wasn’t wanted by anyone in the IPL auction, who then rose up from the ashes, padded up for the Pune Warriors, walked out into the blazing sunshine, the eyes of a cricket crazy nation on him AND…………….got out for a duck.

Symbolic of the anticlimax that the IPL has become. One would think that you would become bored of a couple of months of guys coming on and banging the sphere to all corners of the ground day in and day out. It’s as if even the names of the players are tailor made for entertainment. Where can you see a Gayle playing against a Blizzard anywhere else other than on the radars of the meteorological department or maybe in a crazy video game?  Seriously, Chris Gayle batting like he did wasn’t all that surprising as it was made out in the media to be. If you gave a giant, humongous monster of a West Indian with a strike rate of around 5000 a hard wooden bat and tell him to get on with it, what did you expect?

Even Poonam Pandey got bored and had nothing to say before the IPL final. Rumours are that she’s somewhere in Haiti after a few failed promises during the course of the world cup ;-) And does M.S Dhoni know how to lose? It’s getting increasingly monotonous watching him win everything in the world while coming on at the end of the match saying something to the tune of, “The boys did a fantastic job. I thought it was a good pitch. The opposition (including Pakistan, Sri lanka, Australia, Kolkata, Pune, Newzealand, Shanghai, Kwung Pow and every other place in the world) played well but bad luck.”

 I wonder if MSD could lead the Indian football team to the world cup. The way this is going you’l probably see him giving Cristiano and Messi a few stopovers and crossing it in better than Beckham, lifting the Cup and congratulating his ‘boys’ all over again. Yawn.

Also the renaissance of the greatest orator, on par with John F Kennedy and Martin Luther King, continues - Navjot Singh Sidhu. If NATO had employed this guy to talk to the Libyans, Gaddafi would have ended up tearing his hair out, sending a few planes up and bombing the guts out of his own house to end the misery. A mistake by NATO, that one.

IPL -4 also threw up talented youngsters like Wriddhiman Saha, Ambati Rayudu and Prashant Parameshwaran. The guys at the literary department of Oxford are probably going nuts trying to pronounce these names. Lasith Malinga would’nt look out of place in a jungle, hunting vengeful rhinos by picking up pebbles, yorking them, and breaking their feet.

There are also rumours that Kochi is going to shift its home ground to Ahmedabad. So, in effect if they play a game in Chennai, their away ground will be closer to them than their home ground. How amazingly well-planned out. Might as well have made the home ground in South Africa or someplace.

And is anyone getting the eerie feeling that the IPL is becoming more like the English Premier League with every season? Players getting transferred, home and away games. So much so that R.Ashwin, the young spinner, compared his Chennai team to Manchester United! Imagine Alex Ferguson pulling on a Lungi while rooting for L.Balaji and plotting a Strategic Timeout. Lol.

Wonder what inventions we’l have in IPL 5. The way it’s gone, we might have a few more cheerleaders, the umpires might make their entrance while moonwalking, the Somali pirates may be hired to catch the attention of the crowd, and at the end of it all Dhoni would be grinning all over his cup. The Indian Volleyball League is coming up. Anyone interested?

Our take on India's list of top 50 most wanted terrorists....

For all those of who appreciated what we do, We are back again..

This time around we'd like to be very serious and put forward our thoughts regarding issues of national importance. Did any of you happen to hear about the glorious LIST OF MOST WANTED CRIMINALS published recently by the effi(ng)cient govt??. So god darn efficient that some of those in the list were actually caught years before the list is actually published. All those who blame the govt. and home ministry should look at the bright side of things. I mean, how many countries can boast of a police force that can arrest criminals even before the govt. orders them to be arrested.

The govt. now stands accountable for this mix-up. Imagine if Pakistan starts to mock us about our glaring incompetency. I mean, how bad would you feel if Chris Gayle made fun of you cuz ur not fair(No, i did not mean that our neighbour is a talented batsman). Home minister P.Chidambaram has a very lucid explanation for all that transpired which he, like a genius, summed up in two words. Printing Mistake. How very enlightening. Mr.Chidambaram probably uses a printer that was ordered by Kalmadi and co. I think our govt. believes in numerology. How else would they come up with such a presentable number of 50. Even people from rainforest of Amazon know that there are more than that. Maybe the govt. doesnt WANT the rest of them because they are getting what they want, if you know what i mean..

Yeah. So the big picture right now is Mother India looking like Mallika sherawat(guys, that iss bad by the way!!). One of the guys in this insidious list was selling saris in thane. lol. One has to wonder if this little glitch will affect his credibility as a salesman. Another is already in jail. This is what happens when you dont update your database regularly. Why dont they put one of the Infosys premiers to work on it. There are a lot of them, right. The list is up for scrutiny. My bet is that at least 2-3 of those in the list are MLA's or MP's in the country.

Some parliamentarians put forward a US-like attack on pakistan to flush out Dawood Ibrahim but were later made to shut up by others with a working brain. They simply dont realise that with our virtouos and efficacious media, a feat of such magnitude is impossible to achieve. Mainly because the surprise element of the surprise attack will be nullified by 24*7 updates on army movements.

The govt. just showed the amount of intense neglect and laxity that it puts to tackle our biggest problem. With such an incredibly prodigious govt. governing I can rest assure and proudly say that India is in safe hands (of those in that list..)

Our Take on the Royal British Wedding

On a wonderful April day, we laze on the couch and switch on the Tv and... BANG!! BOOM!!

We're hit by drooling men and women, Marching bands that put a full-volume Lamb of God song to shame, a blindingly outrageous bridal gown whose cost would almost equal the national income of Zimbabwe, and numerous hot-blooded programmes on even the affairs of the groom's mother, a certain Ms. Diana.

The media frenzy in Britain suddenly shows the much criticized, monstrous Indian media as dignified angels. The men with the cameras are shown to be running behind the bride-to-be Kate Middleton like a pack of rabid Alsatians faced with a tasty bone.

                        Photographer of the London Times



Just the fact that the bride-groom happens to have descended from the queen of an almost dysfunstional monarchy, has resulted in the tax-payers money being thrown about like grain for the birds. Million dollar worth royal airforce aircraft was used as some kind of remote controlled toy for the viewing pleasure of the married couple. There was even a one hour heavily contested prime-time debate on BBC Entertainment as to what the bride would wear for the wedding! The world just gets more puzzling by the day! If this is the situation when the Third in line crown prince marries, its shocking to think of what would happen if the Queen was to get married once again! That should be the end of the British economy.

Stands to reason some of this hero-worship must pass onto India from the nation we once used to call the British Raj.

This kind of thing is somewhat comparable to the frenzy generated when the Indians won the world cup. Even substitutes who barely crossed the boundary rope were given apartments that normal people have to work lifetimes for. Just a matter of time before Dhoni has enough money to buy India.

And the guest to the all-important Royal Wedding? None other than one of the greatest minds in the world, the symbol of enlightened mankind! David Beckham! That's like holding a Nobel prize presentation ceremony and inviting Sreesanth to give away the prize. Not to mention, Beckham's wife, an ex-spice girl, who looks to have all the vocal capabilities of a bronchitis-affected crow.



It has been said widely that the newly married couple would set off a wildfire of advertising and marketing campaigns. A few readily come to mind :-



The aftermath of the Royal wedding would be quite hilarious. It has been said that the honeymoon is a gloriously solitary time where a couple rediscovers love and togetherness. Hah, good luck with that on this one!

The Royal honeymoon

Wonder what frenzy there would been in India if Manmohan Singh's kid decided to marry. Yeah, that should be a good one. How dumb can a nation get?

Our take on the Internet revolution

There once was a time, a long time back, when the keyboard was something you tried to play Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony on and a mouse was something you killed on sight.

All this until a certain Mr. Babbage decided to turn the world on its head and introduce the computer. Back in those days, computers used to be bigger than small countries. The first useful computer running on an Intel chip, about the size of Sri Lanka, had 1 MB of memory (A present mp3 song takes up about 4 MB).

Now, all that’s changed, with the advent of the PC-internet revolution starting from the late 1980’s.  Today, everything from Toblerones to Torpedos, is available on E-bay. The age-old war tactic of the Trojan horse has morphed into the tiny, undetectable Trojan virus. 5 year olds are now discussing the relative pros and cons of the latest episode of ‘Dexter’s Laboratory’ on Orkut.

Today, any combination of letters from the English alphabet, typed into Google will yield more than a million results, from ways to curl a football free kick into the top corner of the goal to Barrack Obama’s preferred chicken dish. (google/obama+chicken+dish has 4150000 results)

Indian weddings are as elaborate as some nuclear reactor processes. Upto now, the bridegroom had to generally be an IIT-IIM passout with a couple of Nobel Prizes and an income greater than that of Warren Buffet if he was to make the prospective in-laws suitably pleased. Now add to that, the criteria of having more than 500 friends on Face Book.

 Men of steel turn to emotional wrecks in their attempts to arrive at the socially acceptable figure of 500 friends, going to such lengths as to send requests to utter strangers, they have never met, and will possibly never meet in their lives. (Check out a previous post in this blog on Face Book)

Sometimes, though, touch can be regained with long-lost family through social networks, like Face Book.



The internet has brought about so many new avenues of information as well. Now there are apps to find out the exact length of your small intestine, the number of wrinkles on your face when you will be 75 years of age and so on!! AMAZING RIGHT?    

L

Professional videos, hidden camera videos, home-made videos and all other forms of moving media available have been posted on YouTube to such an extent that any further post has a 60% chance of breaking a copyright law. Only a video on YouTube can bring something as nightmarishly ghastly as the popular hit single ‘Silsila’ into the public eye. (Viewers who watch this video are advised to keep emergency first aid at hand)

Modern college and school assignments follow an exceedingly simple base rule- Questions by teachers, answers by Wikipedia. Linguistically gifted students might take the extreme pains of rearranging the Wikipedia content to make it look remotely individualistic. Now that this divine invention, Wikipedia, is available as an app on the mobile phone, examinations are answered by Wiki too.

Today it is a paradox that if the Internet was taken away for a month, the big daddies, the USA, Europe and the rest would sink like a fishing boat in an East Asian tsunami, while the neglected economies of Africa and South America would still be afloat. Internet activity has brought about the Middle East revolution, has acted as a support system in the Indian anti-corruption movement and much else. (Another factor altogether that ‘Poonam Pandey’ scored more internet hits than the mid-east revolution and anti-corruption combined).

The Internet says Poonam Pandey is of more importance than Anna and the Egyptians

One of the internet advancements we can expect to see in the near future in nammade Kerala:-



Strange indeed that the lives of the most developed species on the earth is governed by a bunch of wires, a couple of nonsenical sounding URL's and a sackful of 8-character passwords. Tsk.

Our take on Cricket, the Batsman's game...

Statutory warning: Do try to think about what is written here, rather than just read and forget. This is important.

Greetings to one and all who have shown enough panache to take some time and read this article about the gentleman's game, which as of lately is not exactly very gentlemanly , so screw the language.. so yeah. I would like to introduce myself as The Batsman and i'm here to tell you some very interesting facts that make me the superior being in the game.

Cricket is one of the most popular sports in the world, being played in over 12 countries(out of 212 in the world). Media opined that when India won the world cup, it was because of the 1.2 billion prayers. I'd like to point out that 1.19 billion of the population in this god-forsaken country prays for daily food and not for some rich, spoiled brats with wood and leather. Funny how the God was apparently busy for the past 28 years. The media is awesome!!

I recently was very hurt by KD's(also known as haryana hurricane) comment that "Batsman is the officer and bowler is the chaparasi(peon)". *sniff* I'm writing this article to defend the stance of the batsmen(pun intended) and the great game which has made us all billionaires.

When the game of cricket was born, my ancestors got a boon from the GOD(no, not SRT. He wasnt born then) for some unknown reason, that we will rule the game. Who are we to blaspheme. My idea here, is to just state some simple facts and pose some questions.

1. What is wrong with a batsman being allowed to bat for the whole innings(of 20 and 50 overs) while the bowler is allowed only a stipulated number of 4 and 10 overs per innings in T20 n ODIs respectively? I mean, we are doing extra work. Appreciate that. We are batsmen and SRT is one of us. With all due respect, Screw the bowlers.

2. How can you blame the umpire for calling a wide for a ball that goes 2.5mm away from the leg stump. So what if we are allowed to move longitudinally, laterally, diagonally and even rotate where we stand, it cannot be justified that the bowler bowls at the place where we cant hit it.

3. Even though the batsman can bat 3-4metres outside the crease and jump out like an African primate, at will, it would be blasphemy if the bowlers heel is not touching the crease. How angelic.

4. The free hit can be justified by all means. Who the hell gave the bowlers the power to imitate the almighty batsman by stepping out of the crease. We take away your only prized possession, our wicket, for one ball. You deserve due punishment.

5. We need all the protection that we have. The others dont. It really isnt a concern to anyone, if a ball @ 275 kmph from our bat may smash open the bowler's heads, maim fielders and kill umpires.


6. The batsmen are allowed switch hit, reverse sweeps and other heavy artilleries including helicopters( made famous by MSD) and gunships, which doesnt mean that the bowler can innovate and bowl more than one bouncers per over or try to attempt bodyline. I mean, come on. We are humans too.

7.The likes of Brian Lara look amazingly gracious when they do a little bharatanatyam(traditional classical dance form) before smashing every ball out of the park, but it caused the Great Global recession when muralidaran's bowling arm had an angular twist exceeding the prescribed 5 degrees by approx. 2.35 degrees. OH GOD IN HEAVEN. BLASPHEMY!!!

8. The field restrictions are completely justified. I mean, if there are fielders everywhere from the word go, how are we supposed to score runs eh. Explain that first.


Now, i'd like to bring forth some suggestions that will work in favour of a brighter future for the game.

1. Yorkers should be called illegal and followed by a free hit, the reason being lucid. WE cant hit yorkers and tend to get out.

2. The bowling speeds should be limited to 120kmph and those deliveries above this speed should be deemed as no-balls(free hit optional)

3. Lasith Malinga should be banned from international cricket. We dont like him very much.

4. Try including Dale Steyn, Shaun Tait, Morkel and the others in the above category.

5. The bowlers should have one hand tied behind their back while taking the run up.

6. The bowler should inform the batsman via. the umpire about the variations(like slower ones, bouncers, in swingers, reverse swings, googlies, doosra etc) which he is planning to incorporate in his next delivery. Am I supposed to guess what you are going to do? That is so not fair.

I hope the stalwarts at ICC are listening. This, right here, is what you need to revolutionise the game. And Mr.KD, i suppose i've cleared all your doubts. Never question the batsman, you lowly bowler. hmph!!

Our Take on Terrorism

Our take on Terrorism

Terrorism has been a reality for millions of years. From a couple of hyenas employing the concept to take out hundreds of deer to hundreds of Naxalites employing the same concept to take out a couple of policemen, the world has come a long way. Terrorism is often used when one side is at a disadvantage compared to its enemy. When America had Fighter bombers, submarines, drones, the Ironman and a lot of similar stuff, all the bin Laden people had were funny names. So with the odds against him, what did that Father of modern terrorism Osama do? Turned an iconic American skyscraper into stuff you’d use in a recipe to make pickle. Shows you that outside of the movies, stuff like fighter jets and the Ironman don’t really work.

India has had its fair share of terrorism. Ajmal Kasab probably meant to blow up the Taj Mahal and asked a guy from Kerala for directions. “Oh Taj? Go straaaaaaight”. Hearing this, the idiot went straight and bombed the wrong Taj, some hotel in Mumbai, it turned out to be.

The LTTE has caused Sri Lanka vast problems. Sri Lanka responded with a large hairy monster of their own. Lasith Malinga. This crazy man avenged the losses of his countrymen by aiming hard cricket balls at the head, feet and everything in between of every person who had the misfortune to set eyes on him, until of course he was beaten to a pulp in the IPL by a certain McCullum.

After their amazing exploits with explosives, the members of Al-Qaeda have been awarded a lucrative deal by Warner Brothers to star in their action movies and Osama has been made the next Jason Bourne for managing to evade arrest so exquisitely.

Warner Brother's Latest

In India, the discoverer of terrorism is believed to be Veerappan. There are rumours that sandalwood was smuggled within that moustache of his. Similar to Robin Hood, he stole from the rich and gave to the poor. But completely differing from Robin Hood, he was pumped in the chest a couple of hundred times and died squealing piteously for his mommy in rural Tamil Nadu.

                          Army Nutcases    against    Veerappan's Maniacs     



The Mao-ists are another group of crack terrorists in India. I’m sure you know what mao in ‘LMAO’ stand for. If Lalit ‘Moronic’ Modi had still been in power, it’s a pretty sure thing he’d have pulled up the Assam Maoists, Orissa Naxals, Tamil Tigers and all and formed a tournament with huge prize-money and cheerleaders and stuff. Wonder if Ms.Jayalalitha could weave any of her old magic as a cheerleader? Cute names the militant groups have though.

Guerilla warfare is a tactic employed by terrorists and has been derived from, well, guerillas. You figure the rest out yourself. Afghanistan employs guerilla warfare. Using the element of surprise, they kill a couple of American soldiers. In return, the Americans, using no element of surprise whatsoever, bomb the guts out of Kabul and reduce the Afghan population to numbers you can count on your hands. Way to go, guerilla warfare.

The Taliban is extremely influenced by the teachings of becrazed religious fanatics and the action sequences of Die-Hard. America’s technique of terrorism is to create and export weapons that decapitate the enemy’s ears. Weapons are given weird names like A-kon, Jay-Z etc. A while back, Jay-Z tried to sing the title song of ‘Titanic’. That’s when the Titanic crashed.



Our take on Capt.Jack Sparrow...

Capt. Jack Sparrow is the name of a character made famous by not-so-famous Hollywood actor Johnny Depp, whose other films are fortunately or unfortunately not much heard of. This drunk sailor has given a ray of hope to all the damned drunkards that even their lives can be cheerful; that even they can make it to hollywood and burn down ships. After the release of the Pirates of the Carribean trilogy, the liqour sales in the world have gone up by about 50 times creating waves in the beverage distribution scenario.

The opportunistic Kerala government has pounced upon the country's decision to have brand ambassadors for different states; and have approached Mr.Jack Sparrow(nobody really knows who johnny depp is), who has wholeheartedly agreed to it if given his monthly quota of rum, as promised. Mr.Jack sparrow in his interview given to a local news channel has called for one Mr. Ayyappa baiju, to run for elections this time around. Also Mr.Sparrow advocated the rights of the drunkard community in the state and chided the government for quelling their request for reservation in public and private sectors. How can they show such distaste to the state's main source of income, the mercurial drunkard wonders.

Sources close to the government says that the aforesaid is not the only reason why this persona grata was chosen to represent the state. According to this source, Capt.Sparrow is a role model for the youth of the state who are known to fiercely denigrate the effects of bathing, brushing and other common acts of maintaining hygiene. Capt.Jack sparrow, as legend has it, has managed to survive on an island for 5 months with just a bottle of rum, which he very obviously didnt use to wash his armpits.

Mr.Sparrows appointment as the state's brand ambassador was supposed to be the state's traditional "vishu kaineettam" for its loyal drunkards, but the news somehow leaked and has resulted tumultuous jubilation by the crowds that gathered for rave parties on the every street of the state, causing major disturbance for a group of NASA scientists researching on the crater-like depressions on these roads for alien life.

We can expect fresh rounds of violence and strikes by the so-called rights activists and traditional saviours of cultural opulence of the state headed by Sukumar Azhikode. Wishing Mr.Sparrow a very fruitful tenure as our brand ambassador.

Our Take on Batman

What do you get when you mix a troubled childhood, funny masks, nylon pajamas and weirdly hilarious dialogues? Yes, you get the Batman! Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that problems of immense magnitude occur all over the world but Batman does his job only in a small town called Gotham. That’s like Sachin having the ability to thrash the Aussie bowlers around but being made to bat against the Assam Ranji team.

The Batman’s sworn enemy goes by the name of the Joker. When you tend to like the villain more than the hero, you know something has gone wrong somewhere. The Joker goes around bombing hospitals, killing gangsters by shoving pens up their noses, and burning half a man and turning him into another weirdo called Half-Face or something. Kinda like Osama Bin Laden with a sense of humour.

Batman owns an amazing array of vehicles. Noting that “The Dark Knight” released in the middle of the American recession when people did not have adequate food and shelter, this guy owns a couple of Lamborghinis, a Ducati and a black wheelbarrow-like contraption labeled the Bat mobile. In one of the scenes in the Dark Knight, Batman drives around town in his Bat mobile and crashes into a blank wall, like a drunk idiot. He then proceeds to burst out of the car in a bike and goes around town once again. Fuel prices anyone? Anyway, why didn’t the guy just use the bike in the first place?

The entire cast of ‘The Dark Knight’ watched the movie the day after the world-wide release. Heath Ledger laughed so hard, he busted a vein and died.

The Batman has a female enemy. Her name is..wait for it..Catwoman. I mean how amazing is that? Throw in Spiderman and you have a whole zoo waiting for you!

Two-face is another charismatic character in this laughathon. The guy tosses a coin to take decisions and uses a coin with ‘heads’ on both sides. Some tough decision, that is. The actor portraying the character of the Head of Police in the Dark Knight also acts as Sirius Black in the Harry Potter series. Looks like all the nutcase films are interconnected. Note that the lead guy of Twilight also has a part in the Harry Potter series. Rumours are that the Joker became the crazy demented guy that he is after watching all 3 movies of Twilight back-to-back. S.Sreesanth was once a pious Church-Priest before he watched Twilight.

The Batman is being remade in Bollywood with Salman Khan in the lead role, removing his shirt whilst dancing to an item number.

Yup. Be amazed at the stupidity of mankind.

Our take on UPA...

According to the taxonomical and biological life research experts, a new family of primates has been discovered in the country. Aptly named as Unculturis Primatus Allianzitus a.k.a UPA, this particular variety is seen in and around the parliament and has an affinity to khadi(Gandhi supporters, it seems). These animals are often mistaken for humans as they walk on their hinds and even tend to speak in something that seems to be anthropomorphic.

The aforementioned species is in news, as of lately, when some specific members of the family was accused of stealing Crushed and Washed Groundnuts(commonly known as CWG), worth several crores, from the govt. godowns, which was meant for the poor and down-trodden politicians of the country. By a special process, known as Dumass Minion Kross-over, between the southern yellow spectacled macaque and the UPA has resulted in a hybrid variety which proved to b 2G.ood for its shoes. This hybridisation rendered the govt.treasury poorer by another 1.76 lakh crores. The UPA are a violent species specialising in gorrilla warfare which can easily be seen on public portals showing a lok sabha session.

The UPA is said to have bred from an Italian imported variety which, later announced itself as a native of the country..(huh, dream on!!). This species on mating with the existing Indian variety resulted in a new generation of monkeys with an unfounded liking for t-shirts and three-fourths unlike the traditional khadi.  There has been an evolution from this Italian variety to a new version with special features of highly developed brain inside a cute sky-blue head and is characterised by the absence of a notochord or backbone. Going by Charles Darwin's theory of survival of the fittest, the UPA is facing stiff competition from other species which evidently possess lower mental abilities but boasts of higher physical resources like the Ballus Jangoed Politiciacus and Leftorius Demographic Frontis. But the UPA has survived till now because of its relatively sharper intellect.

The staple food of these animals is same as that of humans and as an addition they also feast upon petroleum products. Experts are blaming these monkeys for the inflation in the country as they consume all the items that were meant for the common man or AAM AADMI(pun intended), thus resulting in dearth of the goods culminating in an overall fall in supply, hence fuelling price-rise. Also, they are the principle vectors of the dreaded pathogen HIV(Honesty Impairing Virus). Recently, a scientist Anna Hazare, along with his group, had successfully discovered a vaccine for the same called the Jan Lokpal Bill, which is in the pipe right now, awaiting mass production(yeah.. like that's gonna happen!!) 

According to vox populi, this species must be exterminated and all available dna records must be quashed so that the future generations dont suffer any of the problems that the present  generation . For the greater good of the country, let us all join forces and make them appear on the UN's list of endangered species..

Our take on goverment colleges

The only known groups of primitive tribals that still inhabit the earth are the Red Indians of America, the aborigines of Australia,  the tribes of Africa, and the students of goverment colleges. Students of goverment colleges, when faced with attack by the enemy (usually someone like the stiff old college administration), still use techniques like painting faces, shouting out warcries and generally carrying out all activities expected from a fully grown baboon.

There have been reports of problems within goverment colleges. Here is an example :-
Cause of the problem- No electricity in one of the classrooms.
Action taken against the problem- Nationwide strike, Bloodied fistfights, political discussions and repurcussions in the ruling party, murder of a couple of students and setting vengeful flame to one of the college buildings.
Wonder what would happen when a real problem comes up.

If only Goverment Colleges had been more common during our struggle for independence. The British would have picked up their rifles and run for for their lives long before 1947.

During one particular clash between factions within a government college, one angry young man threw a fresh coconut at his enemy with extreme fury. The enemy banged that coconut into a field, far away using a block of wood. That was how cricket was invented.

According to the Laws of Government Colleges,
1. Anyone who speaks out against the party in power will be struck on the backside 5 times with a broom and will subsequently be run over by a roadroller.
2. Anyone who forms an oppositon party, will have his entire family run over by said roadroller.
3. Roadrollers used for above purposes will be paid for by the government, failing which a nation-wide strike will be called.
4. Once every 3 weeks, with or without cause, a nation-wide strike will be called.

Following the tsunami in Japan, a strike was called by a Goverment College, to ban all tsunamis. Human trafficking, slave trade, farmer suicides etc have all been laid aside, owing to the high priority of the tsunami ban.

Examinations in Goverment Colleges are always held on schedule. Ofcourse, an error of plus or minus 25 years is allowed.

Our take on Heavy metal music

Heavy Metal Music

In the early 1960's some guy, who'd forgotten to cut his hair for the past 20 years, decided to bang a couple of corroded saucepans together, at the same time recording the screams of a drowning cat, thus resulting in present day heavy metal.

The funny thing is that the obvious answer to the question, "Hey what kinda music you like man?" in India presently is "Oh yeah! heavy metal! lets raaaack!" and stuff. An extension of the Indian "join the bandwagon" syndrome. The guy who said that might be hiding Justin Bieber CD's under his coat. Now thats a drowning baby cat, that one.

There's something similar about these metal guys and our Hindu sages. Both of these categories have not understood the concept of a 'bath' for one thing.

Here are some extremely enlightening lyrics from Black Sabbath:-
"AHHHHHHH, we're disturbing the priest, won't you please come to our feast?
AAHHHHHH, Do we mind disturbing the priest, not at all, not in the least
Disturbing the priest.
Yeah, yeah, Disturbing the Priest.
AHHHHHHHHH."

Amazing. Shakespearian indeed.

And have you seen these guys, with tattoos and earrings, with cigars dangling from their mouths? Members of the American Mafia? Drug addicts? Cold blooded killers? Nope, most probably the lead guitarists of some metal band.

Somewhere, in the 1980's, "Hard Stuff" played their first live concert. This caused the Berlin Wall to creak and finally break.

In India, the founder of Metal music was believed to have been Bal Thackerey. Until it was found that those shades of his were actually for some other purpose. (Karunanidhi was once bass drummer for "Guns and Roses")

Metal Music is famous in Denmark. Who cares.

Our take on Slumdog Millionaire..

Last year, India made a huge leap in world of cinema when a film made in India, about India, won the oscar, nascars, bafta, kofta and many more for the Best Film. Canny Boyle, as the name suggests, was working in a Danish boiler industry before he was catapulted to fame overnight for directing this film. The film was 'slumdog millionaire', in which the slums and dogs were from India and the millionaire part came from Britain.

Anil Kapoor's jubilation when the film won makes you wonder whether he was actually a part of the movie(he was?? oh, sorry!!). The male lead is now leading a peaceful life in some unknown location in the Easter Islands. The apparently hot female lead has made inroads into the film industry by actually being tagged as the second most searched female personality on google after Justin Beiber. In Kerala people mistook the 'pint' in her name for something more familiar hence causing the unforseen popularity. She right now is an assiduous international artiste busy with highly artistic C-grade films in southern Tunisia.

The child artistes in the movie from specially hand-picked by Mr.Boyle from the bustling slums of the country. Mr.Boyle quoted, "its not hard finding slums in the country. All you need to do is follow your instinct and you sense of smell." These children were given special care so that people could actually stand beside them without resorting to usage of anti-chloroform drugs. They were also given special training in language as they earlier used sign language. There children were an instant hit in the whole country and were seen as a beacon of hope for all the homeless and hapless children of the country. There was so much hope that the govt.actually had to deport these kids to Zimbabwe to switch off the beacon and save electricity.

A certain A.R.Wahman had also won the award for best music of this movie, which he was later penalised when Bappi Lahiri(better known as 'jin pong huia' or father of sumo wrestling) accused him of plagiarism from his earlier hits. A malayali hogged the limelight for making noise, Resul Pookkutty. He died a peaceful death trying to record the noise made by a lawn mower.

We, the people of India, were ecstatic after the movies success. They probably thought that it was an Indian movie. We forgot that if the movie was Indian, it would have won The Best Foreign Film award, and not The Best Film award. So basically the US made a fool of us, AGAIN. Why dont you go take out your frustration on Julian rather than on the fastest growing economy in the world(No, am serious!!).

As a parting shot, i'd like to add that we should'nt encourage such movies that show the true nature of the country and break the bubble for all those foreign idiots who come to see the splendour of the country. Such movies should be burned in Ram Gopal Verma ki AAG(yes, such is the intensity of my hatred for slumdog millionaire). We should strive to promote indigenous works of art like those of Rakhi Sawant and Raja Choudhary.

Our take on Modern Language

Modern language

Globalisation and MTV has brought about the most extreme changes in Indian society, starting with the utter mangling of the spoken language.

It’s like every sentence has to start with “Hey man..” or “Yo, bro….” Or “Yeah dude, party’s here!” and that kinda thing. And this usually spouts out from a spectacled guy with the holy thing on his forehead, talking to a spectacled guy with braces on his teeth, on his way to flute lessons.

I mean, come on. 

All this probably stems from that Indian urge to show that we havn’t been left behind. Its shown itself in every parent falling at the feet of the Engineering course (refer previous article), its shown itself in every Indian on the face of the planet from the Ambanis to the guy who feeds the orangutans at the local zoo, claiming to be a Sachin fan (“Oh my god, Bleed blue for Sachin !! Oh by the way, What’s for dinner?”), and now its shown itself in this gross remix of the spoken language.

The sporting world is an apt example of the use of the Modern language. Roger Federer goes,"Well, Rafa did a commendable job. His returning game and stamina were highlights. Well done." And Rafa responds with,"Yez, Raager vaz goot. He vaz goot. Nize!"

Ashish Nehra's English is worse than his fielding. Yusuf Pathan's English sounds like Oriya with a weird accent.

Here are some amazing bits of linguistic wisdom from George W Bush :-

"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech."
—President George W. Bush, to Pope Benedict, Washington, D.C., April 15, 2008

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking of new ways to harm our country, and neither do we."
—President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

Who made this guy president anyway?

The next generation of MTV exposed terrorists would be great to see on trial.

“In the name of justice, explain how you committed so acerbic a crime against all of humanity!”

“Yeah well the bomb thingy thing had this rad sound thingy when it went off. Kinda like ACDC’s heavy metal thingys……..”

People wouldn’t mind a couple of bombs if they could hear that sorta thing on the evening news.

Part of this has come from the opening of Indian markets to foreign influences,bringing with it the hip-hop culture. Yesudas is an excellent singer. But he'd suck if he decided to change his name to Yesu-D and proceeded to sing a Pussycat Dolls song. The same concept applies here.

The use of English has been convoluted so much by Indians that there is a special language known as Indian English! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_English.

The packaging and advertising today is enough to drive anyone up the wall. ‘No idea? Get idea.’ Get a psychiatrist! Why did the zoozoos turn out to be a great success? BECAUSE THEIR ADS ARE SILENT! Take a hint.